12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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We can deal with the cold, dammit. It's part of our heritage.

Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004 - 9:38 p.m.

No more will talk of onesies and diaper genies bring you down when you can vomit on the pure white bassinet!

Saturday, Feb. 28, 2004 - 10:17 p.m.

I usually go to the liquor store down by the university in some stupid attempt to be mistaken for a college student, but this morning I had to go to a different liquor store.

Saturday, Feb. 28, 2004 - 9:59 p.m.

We rode bikes to the grocery store last night, because we desperately needed this kind of pie that he discovered and it is SO delicious.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 6:58 p.m.

Pinching and pulling, man. All of that negative karma is going straight to my balls.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 3:04 p.m.

This should be me. I should be the one decorating a nursery and buying a crib and changing table. I should be having the baby and starting a family, not him.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 3:02 p.m.

She has a porn star name and is cheating on me with her husband.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 3:00 p.m.

Itís like working in a Siberian penal colony, except with a dental plan.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 2:56 p.m.

It's been a few weeks. You'd think I would've shown some improvement or at least beaten someone, but no. I've had high school juniors at my local cafe whoop my ass. I even played a coupla college kids who were baked out of their minds and lost.

Friday, Feb. 27, 2004 - 2:53 p.m.

I'm of the opinion that it's more or less impossible to completely eradicate hate. You can say you don't hate anybody or anything, but you're a lying jackass. You hate somebody or something and you know it. The best we can hope for is to try and limit the amount of hate that flows around. Or at least focus it on something worthless like McDonald's, or that guy on the bus who asks you what time it is like three times even though he's wearing a watch.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 10:54 p.m.

Since JB's away, Dog gets bed privileges, so she curls up nearby and puts her paw on me until I grab it. Then I drift away, holding paws with Dog and humming "Bela Lugosi's Dead". It's the best thing EVER.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 10:53 p.m.

Ok, chances are, if I randomized all of the songs on my iPod, about 90 percent would turn up metal/hard rock/classic rock. But I'm really not as musically closed minded as I seem.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 10:50 p.m.

If youíve ever wondered what ever happened to the costumes from Family Ties, they all relocated to Pennyís closet. She never realized that she was allowed to throw clothing away.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 10:48 p.m.

I would like to ease everyone's mind by saying that the horse is NOT impaled on a fence, because that is not a fence at all. It is my pythonic, oddly-shapped, penis that sometimes, just happens to take on the appearance of something made out of wood, along with the two little posts attached to the bottom that help me keep my balance.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 10:47 p.m.

ďIn spring, a young manís fancy lightly turns to thoughts of poon.Ē

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 12:19 p.m.

Actually, she can do AIM, phone, talk to me and be mean to her little sister all at the same time. Sheís got a future in management, that one.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 12:11 p.m.

There's nothing wrong with having Sydney in the freezer. It's not like I cut off his head and froze it in hopes that some day future technology will be able to revive him and provide him with a robot fish body.

Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004 - 12:04 p.m.

Can someone tell me, um, was driving in a lake bad for my car?

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 9:22 p.m.

I'm also remembering what wind feels like in exposed hair. I look like a scarecrow after a run-in with a Weed Whacker.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 6:57 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 6:02 p.m.

Which of the Monkees do I most relate to?

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 5:59 p.m.

I politely declined the offer, but kept the drink, read my magazine, and my imagination had incredible dirty monkey sex with the hottest guy at that table.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 5:52 p.m.

I grew a massive set of balls and joined an all girl motorcycle gang. Which seems kinda like an oxymoron. I mean, "massive set of balls" and "all girl motorcycle gang." Fuck you. I'll kill you with my massive set of balls.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 5:50 p.m.

"Those Touque Terrorists won't get past me."

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 5:46 p.m.

Canada is known, mostly in the U.S. as a nation full of people who love their beer. Mmmm, beer. Homer Simpson is our Pope.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 5:44 p.m.

You know, the stereotyped cowboy in my ancestry is sometimes a little excitable.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 5:41 p.m.

I had planned on writing about the prank call I made to my secretary or just post some really classy jokes regarding that Mel Gibson movie but Iím afraid my band broke up tonight so I donít really feel that funny right now.

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 8:06 a.m.

"Buy this fucking app or I'll pull your guts out your fucking asshole and use them to play 'La Bamba', you moaning pussy."

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004 - 8:05 a.m.

My ass just went on and on, hitting high notes, lilting question tones, making exclamations, all in one glorious butt aria.

Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2004 - 6:09 p.m.

What happened to all those people who ate meat on a Friday who are now spending eternity in the fiery pits of Hell? Shouldn't they get a reprieve?

Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2004 - 6:01 p.m.

You will also be named my honorary best friend, and if you send me a list of your favorite colors, I'll mail you a friendship bracelet.

Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2004 - 12:18 p.m.

she watches me put my clothes on. she might be a lesbian.

Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2004 - 12:13 p.m.

Me = Happy.
Happy = Boring.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 7:02 p.m.

I really hope they corner the dumpling-and-conversational-Mandarin market. Thatís a tough demographic.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:58 p.m.

Regardless, parenthood should not be something you can be talked into. For godís sake, they try to push grandbabies with the same arguments that fourteen year olds use with smoking.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:53 p.m.

I didn't go into work today because I decided to take a Self-Loathing Day.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:50 p.m.

Iím like Charles in Charge.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:47 p.m.

French Canadians need a better sense of humor.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:43 p.m.

Where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday, and I know. I am the luckiest.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:42 p.m.

Really, what I mean to say is I had a very. good. time. I mean, there were toys! It was BYOB! For some strange reason the bathroom of Uncle Funís second floor gallery has a huge Jacuzzi bathtub!

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:41 p.m.

I took a deep breath and told myself that this would be no problem. I have sex sometimes. This shouldnít be difficult at all.

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 6:39 p.m.

Sydney King Of The Sea Animation.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:27 p.m.

I didn't win the poker tournament, but I did drink a lot and wear a John McEnroe-style headband.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:26 p.m.

I did finally manage to get some songs loaded and man oh man I am digging the iPod. I danced around the living room, putting on my own little retarded, no-rhythm Apple ad.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:22 p.m.

Kat, Dana, Shand, and myself are all a little hung over at the moment. In fact Dana is still passed out on my couch as we speak.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:18 p.m.

We found a movie on red-blooded American cable. Bringing Down the House, with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah, is completely and utterly disastrous. I'm talking Howard the Duck bad. Seriously.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:14 p.m.

As if such a thing could ever be quantified. I mean, really, can anyone ever have enough cat figurines?

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:12 p.m.

Yeah, I'm strapless. The boning in the front takes down my tummy and pushes up my boobs, insuring that I'll be taking a boning from some hot groomsman once everyone sees how fucking hot I am in this dress.

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004 - 11:02 p.m.

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