12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Itís like Canada here, but without the evil.

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 12:28 p.m.

ďSo whoís going to give me oral sex?Ē

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 12:24 p.m.

EVE ROBOTO takes her clothes off in front of this guy a lot!

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 12:23 p.m.

I'm not ashamed to say that I wet the absolute shit out of their bed.

Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004 - 4:04 a.m.

Does the fat on my fat ass make my ass look fat?

Saturday, Aug. 07, 2004 - 2:22 p.m.

Rick James should always be snorting coke off a hookerís ass. Every. Damn. Day.

Saturday, Aug. 07, 2004 - 9:52 a.m.

"Relax," JB yelled breezily, while I practiced a fierce barnacle grip on the raft's slick surface. "I won't let anything happen to us."

Saturday, Aug. 07, 2004 - 12:00 a.m.

I must admit I was this close to shatting my pants.

Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 - 11:59 p.m.

Maybe I'm the odd one out among my fellow illustrators...but SHEEEEIT niggah! I can't read no muhfah MINDS!! sheeeeit!

Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 - 11:52 p.m.

Maybe I'll even buy one of those t-shirts that says FBI. Are those still popular or was that just a post 9/11 thing like flying the American flag?

Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 - 6:12 p.m.

As Iíve grown used to dealing with asshole pricks who have a hard on for haranguing your average schmo, it was cool to renew my faith in humanity.

Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 - 4:52 p.m.

Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 - 4:46 p.m.

And it's worse because she is convinced she's God's gift to fashion, and it's only because she can afford to drop $780 on a lingerie set, the skeletal, Easter-Island-headed crone. GOD she makes me freak out with her prancy, I'm-a-pretty-princess foolishness.

Friday, Aug. 06, 2004 - 9:40 a.m.

I smell like beef when I'm cooking. I only mention this so that if you ever happen to be in a situation where cannibalism is necessary, you'll know how to adjust your marinade and/or barbecue sauce recipe.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:49 p.m.

For my birthday I got games, movies, books, and possibly a case of the shingles, but a free meal at Outback was certainly worth the risk of a bacterial infection in my book.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:48 p.m.

Unlike so many who go through their religious lives branding themselves with the lazy clichť of ďIím spiritual, but not religious,Ē (if I never hear that phrase again, Iíll become Amish myself, just out of gratitude), it seems the Amish donít have that luxury.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:46 p.m.

Other than the threat of imminent death in one form or another, life is as usual.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:43 p.m.

The point is, if there ever was one, which I donít think there was, is that you donít have to have kids or hairball-spewing animals or a love of hammocks to be a family.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:42 p.m.

I crept upstairs, walked into the living room, and turned on the light. All three cats froze, and there in the middle of the floor was the hackysack. They were positioned around it, ready to pounce.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:37 p.m.

Whenever my Grandma comes over, I serve everything to her on fine china, silverware, and crystal, and tell her, "Only the best for you, Grandma." I think she likes hearing that.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:36 p.m.

Thatís just way too much time from my own band for far too little a sum. Also, I don't like my parts dictated to me.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 8:34 p.m.

Yes, a straight-up Molotov cocktail, in the semi-ghetto of a bourgeois Michigan town.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 3:43 p.m.

My mom drank a bunch of banana rum. My life is complete.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 12:09 a.m.

I thought for sure I'd see Spiderman around here somewhere. For sure.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 12:08 a.m.

Just know that all the women in them had super exaggerated-ly curvy bodies, someone probably got shot and killed, and some sort of lesson was ultimately learned.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 12:07 a.m.

These are things I learned as a child, when I should have been learning about the different breeds of My Little Ponies.

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 12:05 a.m.

Give me another check, suckers!

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 11:59 p.m.

And, I am ashamed to say, watched Velvet Goldmine just to see Ewan McGregorís penis as it danced across the stage. Bless me father, for I have sinned. And paused, reversed, and then sinned again.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.

It must be some sort of core belief in the religion of being a girl that you can, in fact, be "just friends" with your ex. And even though none of the members of this religion have actually proven this fact, it is their holy grail to do so, to find just one case where this is true.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 3:41 p.m.

I have literally been reduced to keeping food in my bedroom closet like some kind of terror-struck refugee at Fat Camp. And to be honest, even that isn't going to be good enough. It's only a matter of time before all the little ferrets in this house go snuffling under the doors, eagerly seeking out the delicious morsels hidden within.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 1:32 p.m.

It feels like my summer is whizzing by, although "whizzing" seems like an inadequate (although onomatopoetic? Whizzzzz!) word for the out of control speed in which the days are bumping along.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 9:55 a.m.

We were at a punk venue. By definition the crowd was going to be full of people who were not going anywhere if someone pulled out a large industrial magnet.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 9:53 a.m.

This photo is for my Mom (Hi Mom!) as it is a photo of where Robert Redford lives. 955 Fifth Avenue, Mom. Start writing your letters.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 12:13 a.m.

And in 10 more years Iíll be celebrating my 30th birthday and possibly sporting a mid-life crisis.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 12:12 a.m.

Don't Get So Drunk You Forget Your Name.

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 12:11 a.m.

It was like an impromptu re-enactment of the adoration of the magi, only with more beer, and less, er, holiness. (And virginity. Ahem.)

Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004 - 12:07 a.m.

I know you all want to be big gangly Amazons like me, but deal with it. Platfoams make you look like you are an animť character drawn by a middle-schooler, or like you have hooves, or as though you are a stupid asshole with no sense of proportion or fashion, or all three.

Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004 - 3:11 p.m.

Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004 - 9:42 a.m.

Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004 - 9:38 a.m.

Were I to try and master your newfangled codes, I would be left naked and alone in the dark, crying in some sort of corner.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 8:45 p.m.

P.S. Joey says I can stay on 12%, making me the only non-diarylander in the club. That either makes me the odd man out, or some sort of genetically superior odd man out.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 8:43 p.m.

Man, I have a serious wedgie.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 7:35 p.m.

We're convinced we have some kind of plague. I think I might be a little delirious, I'm not sure.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 7:31 p.m.

i mean, i'm pretty sure jesus christ is in the next room the way these guys are clapping. if not him then maybe john lennon. but someone dead.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 7:30 p.m.

I call it The Peehole Knife because for a few months, its residence was on the floor between our toilet and the wall. I donít know why it was there. Cutlery is very mysterious.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 7:28 p.m.

This weekend, while eating a whole pizza, I wandered around and took crap low-quality pictures of some stuff that is in my house, just, you know, to share.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 11:54 a.m.

I will now wreck destruction on the Infidel Americans with my Four Bananas of Doom!

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 1:21 a.m.

Meanwhile 2 other guys (blond ponytail Marty and Johnny Bass) are out to try to steal BMW. Johnny Bass carjacks a guy driving one, and shoots and kills the owner. The body is later found by a girl wearing a tube top and short-shorts, who calls the police.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 1:19 a.m.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 1:15 a.m.

Monday, Aug. 02, 2004 - 1:10 a.m.

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