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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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maybe i need a pair of leg warmers some lace up stilleto boots and a big sweatshirt with the collar cut out to accentuate it.

Saturday, May. 01, 2004 - 3:24 p.m.

I had the worst time I've ever had on a date in my entire life. She spent the whole fucking evening talking about her ex-boyfriend until I wanted to puke out his name in cursive on her food.

Saturday, May. 01, 2004 - 3:23 p.m.

"edible holographic products"

Saturday, May. 01, 2004 - 3:17 p.m.

Have you ever done something so bad, there was no fixing it?

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:09 p.m.

Friday, yes, by God. I spent my afternoon researching Tranny semi-porn stars for potential articles. Sometimes work is funny. Sometimes it's not. This week was both.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:08 p.m.

Mmmm, Ice Coffee. If I've got a lot more belly-flab this fall, I shall blame it on all the fat and grease in Ice Coffee ice. That's the ticket.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:07 p.m.

People Magazine is stupid and they always pick either a bunch of no name trumpet-playing randos or the same old blandly good looking celebrities they always choose.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:06 p.m.

An admission of retardation, politically incorrect as it may be, is quite possibly the quickest route into my hard little heart, so I smiled, and then he kissed me; and it was like junior high, only without the braces and the fumbling and the stepping on feet and the clunkiness, just smoooooth, and nice, and very long, and very good.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:03 p.m.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:02 p.m.

This leads me to theorize that I could actually be a productive, dedicated, hard-working person, if only I could fool my brain into believing that my duties were just time-wasting frivolousness.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 5:01 p.m.

The phone's been ringing all morning with birthday wishes and congratulations.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 4:59 p.m.

Now my friends and I are going to call smoking pot “watching Casablanca”.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 4:57 p.m.

Now picture Selma Blair with cute pixie hair laughing at you because you've demonstrated that you're a functional retard. It's not a good feeling.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 4:55 p.m.

Dear Fu,

Since I was little I have found great pleasure in holding my vagina under running water. I always get an orgasm by doing this…is it normal?


Dear Starrynite,

That is so fucking hot! Will you send me some pictures?

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 4:54 p.m.

Seriously... the fun pillows have definitely gotten larger and my midsection definitely thicker because apparently, the Operation Hottie pounds are starting to creep back on. Not so much creep but stomp in wearing big twelve-lace Doc Martens, parting the fat like a Red Sea made of gelatin.

Friday, Apr. 30, 2004 - 4:53 p.m.

He found himself jerking off in the shower one morning, chasing a joyless orgasm, and for the first time he cried. A nobody, a cipher, this solitary activity in lieu of anything real. His own hand, nothing more.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:21 p.m.

i'm really nice and funny once you get to know me but i am a little shy at first, depending on my mood. i'm also a very good house guest and i not only pick up after myself but pick up after anyone i can pick up after.

so please? help me find a place to stay! no lunatics, please.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:20 p.m.

Good fucking riddance, Friends. Get off my TV and take Frasier, Will & Grace, ER, The West Wing and the entire CBS weekly lineup except for CSI with you. Make room for shows that actually have something working for them, like Scrubs, The O.C., the criminally underwatched Arrested Development, and sink yourself in the La Brea Tar Pits with the rest of the bloated, greedy, fat, decrepit old dinosaurs.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:14 p.m.

All energy is currently devoted to ass kissing. We're going to kiss ass like it's an Olympic sport. Hell, we're going to move past kissing and deep tongue their anus like they shit chocolate.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:12 p.m.

Then she proceeded to get a Newport out of her bag and leave it in her mouth the entire ride, and at one point she pulled out a roll-on deodorant, stretched each arm way up over her head, and lazily applied it.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:11 p.m.

I feel that children should learn to become fairly self-reliant. You need juice? Go get it your damn self. Schmedley took your truck? Smack his little bad ass upside the head until he gives it back, or learn to bargain. You've been hit by a car? This is why we learned to dial 911, kiddo.

I'm kidding about that last one. I think.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:09 p.m.

Now I can drink tea on the bus; at least, I could, if Ottawa bus drivers hadn’t all been trained at the Starsky & Hutch Driving Academy.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:07 p.m.

That day, I licked nostalgia. And then I ate nine more.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:05 p.m.

As my coworker said the other day, somebody needs to call me a Wahbulance.

Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004 - 8:02 p.m.

I look out my window and instead of savouring the soft glow of a fading spring evening illuminating budding trees, I see another day slipping through my fingers with not quite enough accomplished.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:27 p.m.

"You have a lot of energy--" he continued, "a LOT of energy, and, and, well, if you don't want to teach here anymore, well, well, you should, you should find another school. The world needs more teachers like you..." he trailed off, and then started running out of my room.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:25 p.m.

The J-Man sat quietly and curiously in church, having never been in church before, which probably impressed the hell out of the family, who I'm sure imagines that I take him to goat slayings every other Friday evening.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:22 p.m.

At the beginning of the episode I was in bed with a nude male model, which is never really a bad thing, as I’m sure those of you who frequent beds which feature male models can attest.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:21 p.m.

I still cry for Buffy. I saw James Marsters on the Sharon Osbourne show today, he's a gigantic geek. He sang with his band Ghosts of the Radio. It was OK. I'm very sad Angel is ending. Why TV gods, why? Crap. I won't have fuckall to watch next year, asides from The Sopranos. oooh Steve-o

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:19 p.m.

“This song is dedicated to the cops that raped my sister. You better watch your fucking back, pigs.” I hoped his sister wasn’t on a date in the audience that night, because what do you do? Shrug at the guy who she met at the company picnic kind of sheepishly and be all “Oh, that’s just my silly brother. I wasn’t that raped.”

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:16 p.m.

From what I understand, if they win, some of the proceeds will go towards tummy tucks, so I'd like to get in on the ground floor for that. There was also something about bribes, and maybe even some sexual favors, I don't know. You can totally ask Disco for any of the aforementioned.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:15 p.m.

Whenever I hear a man in a suit jingling the change in his pockets, it reminds me of the homeless street punks I used to hang out with: the suits with AUDIBLE MONEY in their pockets were always the ones who wouldn’t even acknowledge the filthy presence of a ragamuffin panhandler, let alone cough up a spare quarter. I still get a hankering for kickin’ when I hear that sound.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:14 p.m.

While I'm on the subject of driving, I'd like to point out that the pedestrians in College Station actually make your average subnormal look like prodigies. Prodigies in baking cookies and running their helmet-clad heads into trees, but still highly talented.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:13 p.m.

But then I realize she’s probably wondering just what the fuck I am doing watching her underwater and everything - which makes me feel kind of perv-y, so I guess I’ll just stick with what I know for now.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 9:10 p.m.

Although I was tardy, I arrived just in time to see the epic blood-soaked battle between the dinosaur and the prehistoric turtle with an upside-down head.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 1:10 a.m.

I sent the blowoff guy an e-mail that read, "Should I offer my condolences for the horrible personal tragedy you suffered on Sunday, or did you just blow me off like a dick?"

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 1:09 a.m.

I learned that you maybe shouldn't tell someone that over the weekend you dubbed a name for JB's gross hamburger condiment preferences (ranch, mayonnaise), and that name is the Money Shot Burger.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 1:07 a.m.

Invent a cheese flavored communion wafer called Cheesus Christs.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 1:06 a.m.

I know it isn't about that, that I shouldn't care and that I should appreciate the experience...blah blah blah blah.

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 1:05 a.m.

“When you find yourself roasting on spit in hell, I want you to think back on this moment and learn from it.”

Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004 - 1:01 a.m.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 3:11 p.m.

Last night he came home from work, had supper, and mosey'd down to the tractor because he expected to be moving a trailer's worth of rock. Only, uh, there wasn't any rock in the trailer because apparently you can't just wish rocks to jump out of walls into tractor wagons. Nope, apparently, you have to carry rocks from walls and drop them into tractor wagons.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:18 p.m.

Yes, the suburban demi-god: trunk space. Known in the dark tongue as Consumer Mallus.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:16 p.m.

It was like performance art: oral fixation in motion.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:15 p.m.

We are the panties you wore three weeks ago. Launching our old panty crotch sequence!

Oh dear Jeebus! No! No! Old panties on my face! It burns! It burns.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:13 p.m.

sat around for a couple hours gorging on toast and Cheez Whiz, and then because I had used up so much energy, then had a 3-hour nap.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:11 p.m.

My mother possibly broke her rotator cuff and is potentially facing a surgical operation and she’s concerned with whether or not she can still play videogames…

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:10 p.m.

I am begging you to vote for us again because if we win this we will make it to the nationals and be interviewed on the station. I am so excited right now I can barely type. I was so ready to give up on this already. Who feels stupid because I think it’s me.

Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004 - 1:08 p.m.

Experience with alcohol, inappropriate decisions, and the ability to tell a damn good story preferred. Must like flip flops, making mountains out of mole hills, and talking on a cell phone while driving. Skinny blonde girls need not apply.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 9:27 p.m.

my parents are horndogs. i'm surprised they got a divorce, i really thought the sex would keep them together.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 9:25 p.m.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 9:23 p.m.

The part where bodily functions don't exist, bedhead is still cute and endearing, and omigawd neither of you ever leaves a puddle of drool on the pillow, let alone snores.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:19 p.m.

Many people have assumed that I am "pro-life". I am, to some degree. I like being alive. I like the fact that other people are alive because it gives me someone to talk to. I like living animals because they amuse me when they run around the house and knock things over, but sometimes I'd rather they were stuffed because then they wouldn't poop so damn much.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:17 p.m.

I’m not going to be that sad, pathetic chick getting drunk and calling Ottawa up in the middle of the night, leaving slurred “please just give me one more chance” messages on the answering machine.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:16 p.m.

Pig roasting certification, sign me the fuck up!

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:14 p.m.

Here’s the hard truth about being a grown up: sometimes it’s not about being the architect of your life.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:10 p.m.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:09 p.m.

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:06 p.m.

*Jen makes Very Sad Face while holding cardboard sign and tin cup*

Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 6:04 p.m.

I could hire a bunch of my neighbor's trampy little teenybopping kids and train them to be hos, or I could start importing smack from Mexico.

Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004 - 4:48 p.m.

Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004 - 4:43 p.m.

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