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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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We've had Italian, Seafood, Spanish, Chinese, and whatever that fartsy Manhattan brunch cuisine is called.

Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004 - 8:33 p.m.

There’s just nothing cool about a thirty year old with a green mohawk, I mean, unless you’re a criminal on Krypton or something. So there I was having a pretty tripe go at him. I’d giggle and say shit like, “I think Shrek just shit on your head dude.”

Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004 - 8:27 p.m.

I trade drunken Highlander-based text messages with him pretty often, but I haven't SEEN him probably since that night we watched Leprechaun 4: In Hood at my trailer in the year 2000!

Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004 - 8:23 p.m.

If you can't figure out what I'm talking about, it rhymes with the name of everyone's favourite green bear who hosts a popular children's program: Furinal!! Maybe this show is only in Canada, though?

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 7:23 p.m.

One of the things I hate about evolution is that we don’t use our feces when we’re angry. Cats poop on stuff, and primates whip them at people.

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 7:22 p.m.

"Hey, I know we're just singing at some dive bar, but really I'd like to rip the clothes off of you and ravage your pasty white body."

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 7:19 p.m.

FICTION: In the absence of beautiful women, I might fuck a donut.

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 7:17 p.m.

Sure work is still a bitch and I'm dancing on a knife's edge, but hey, I haven't fallen off yet, and I even got home at a decent hour.

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 7:15 p.m.

I’ve found myself behaving in uncharacteristic and unaccountable ways. For example, when someone does come into my office now and then, I don’t sigh, roll my eyes, and wish summary evisceration upon them.

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 7:05 p.m.

I doubt the University is going to give much of a rat's ass at the end of the semester if I start using, "I'm so cloooooose!" as an excuse for them to graduate me.

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 6:59 p.m.

Dissecting the "Chick Lit" Phenomenon: Are We Grooming A Generation Of Cheesecake-Eating Housewives?

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 6:56 p.m.

“I think Shrek just shit on your head dude.”

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 6:54 p.m.

Apparently the stuff that's closer to the bone is harder to pimp than shoddy vaporware Internet applications. Who would have guessed?

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 6:49 p.m.

Mein Lieben Vagon was a good foot and a half, if not two feet away from her driveway's edge. You could have fit a well constructed Japanese Housing structure in the space that was between my car and her driveway.

Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 6:42 p.m.

now, having a student with a slight crush on me is not new to me at all. i had one kid that had to go to the hospital earlier this semester because he fell out of his chair while rubbernecking as i was walking past.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 8:40 p.m.

Oh! You big sexy man beast! You grunting ape of a man who cannot fathom where the laundry fairy has laid your socks on that day.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 8:32 p.m.

So what if after I get off I go home and get naked and smoke pot and watch Jeopardy!? How is that less important than your kid’s soccer practice?

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 8:12 p.m.

My computerless, televisionless, regular-phoneless, dahwnrahght monastic existence of late has provoked me to new levels of mental-cinematic torment, to the point where I just sleep a lot during "free time."

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 8:08 p.m.

I hate Those People.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 8:07 p.m.

Lately I've been having the sort of cravings that in my younger years would have sent me running to the drugstore for a pregnancy test.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 12:49 p.m.

He seems to be fairly non-bitter, mentally sound, and pleasant, which would make him my polar opposite, but we shall see. He is supposed to call this evening, and we are going to make plans.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 12:47 p.m.

So the last time I wrote in here I was pretty drunk, which I don't think I'll do again because I don't want to turn into one of 'those people' who gets drunk and gets online to tell all their little skanky friends about it and the stupid shit that they do. Well whatever.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 12:44 p.m.

Or it may be that stubbly feeling, which makes me a little weak in the knees. God I love the stubble. Head stubble is so sexy that I begin channeling Marvin Gaye the moment my fingertips find it.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 12:42 p.m.

That feeling. Of being in trouble. It's all the stronger when you aim that shattered, red-faced gaze at yourself.

Thursday, Apr. 22, 2004 - 12:40 p.m.

A note about my toilet paper holder (I know you've anticipated the day I would utter those magical words).

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 8:34 p.m.

It would be so much nicer if it could be, oh I don't know, kitty cat season. Or maybe chimps in clothes season. Or perhaps Domino's philly steak pizza season...but instead, we get fucking winds of death season.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 8:30 p.m.

What next? Will Henry Rollins show up on my doorstep and demand to give me head for three hours?

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 8:30 p.m.

The minute you think “Arch your back and say ‘ooh’ like a phone-sex operator”, you might as well just hand him the Jergens and turn on the Simpsons.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 8:22 p.m.

It's not like you actually built anything. It's two file cabinets and a piece of wood.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 8:07 p.m.

Call me a cynic, but I will paint myself green and dance naked on the roof if a check actually arrives within two weeks.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 8:06 p.m.

For the sake of freedom of choice, never will a single second of The Gilmore Girls disgrace her television set. Never, I say!

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:39 p.m.

I'm going to start another website called Ask Dr. Poop, and it is going to fucking rule.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:38 p.m.

Next week I get to make big coffee mugs. I fucking love pottery class.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:34 p.m.

Twice daily, Mofo and I are able to give a standing-room-only performance of dualling electric toothbrushes.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:32 p.m.

“Heavens to Murgatroid! How are you going to help me huh? You’re a fucking secretary!”

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:26 p.m.

Let’s just say her milkshake is bringing the boys to the yard.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:22 p.m.

There is a cold, damp spot on my pantaloons where once rested a Biggie Size Frosty from Wendy's.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 7:13 p.m.

I'm so tired of this! What happened to taking a shit without a care in the world? I miss reading my mom's crappy matron magazines while on the pot! Now I never have time to catch up on Good Housekeeping and Better Health and Shiny Happy Menopause and Dry Vaginas. Damn!

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 9:43 a.m.

You know what's a great contraceptive?

Teaching kids part time.

Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004 - 9:42 a.m.

"Oooh, a kid in a TV and a fucking midget"

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:28 p.m.

matt dillon 1984 teen hunk

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:28 p.m.

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:27 p.m.

I am so doggone hungry I could eat my computer mouse but I know where my hands have been and I think that would fall under the category of Bad Ideas.

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:24 p.m.

I’m telling strangers on the internet about my wet panties and not even making a profit for my trouble!

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:22 p.m.

Nothing says "family time" like sucking down giant cups of beer while screaming "YEEEEEEEAH!!!" at hot men in tight pants who are playing a game I know nothing about. With peanuts. You betcha.

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:20 p.m.

Can I tell you that I hate wearing an apron almost as much as I hate how I look wearing an apron?

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:16 p.m.

It took the neighborhood boys about twenty minutes to gather a mob on the other side of the lot.

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:13 p.m.

If you want a perfect, pretty, slim, soprano-voiced young lady with lovely, long, shining hair, I suggest you get yourself one of those Russian mail-order brides.

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:11 p.m.

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:09 p.m.

Why, oh why, can't I just wear regular pants?

Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004 - 8:06 p.m.

And then I would be there. Happy as a clam in shit. Wait, I need to check with my mother on the right colloquialism there.

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 9:36 p.m.

You just cock an eyebrow and say ‘Yes, if by ‘pie’ you mean hair pie!’ and then rhythmically rock your pelvis going ‘Oh! Oh!’ and slapping an imaginary ass in front of you.”

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 9:29 p.m.

I will probably shit myself if they actually respond in a timely manner. Here in the free cheese sector we do not hold fast to the belief that the government actually gives half a shit about us.

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 9:24 p.m.

“Help us, Useless Epiphany Girl! Linear Logic Luthor has trapped us with his Descartian Mind Ray! We need your inventiveness to free us! What should we do?”

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 8:24 p.m.

What is it about women that makes us all feel like having a clean, organized, nicely decorated house is the most important thing to our mothers?

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 8:22 p.m.

I won't let them put you in a journal foster home. I don't want to see you on Montel five years from now recounting the horrors of your numerous foster journal writers. Making you eat out of the trash. Tying you up in milk crates and throwing you into the pool when you failed to link properly to another site. Circular cigarette burns on your template, one for every Buddy Listing you lost.

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 3:24 p.m.

I would then like to kick said employee in the forehead no less than three hundred and sixty-five times. This number bears significance because it is the number of days that have passed since I won my court case against disability.

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 3:22 p.m.

I helpfully made sure to make jokes about strip and cavity searches because, really, can we ever have too much orifice humour in our lives?

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 3:21 p.m.

I want to mention that Dana is one of the most awesome people I know. All I can really say about the real life Dana is that no matter how drunk, obnoxious, or rowdy we can get underneath the fun Dana is a really balls out person who is exactly who she thinks she is. How many of us can say that?

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 3:19 p.m.

Evil little girls. I don't think I was that evil as a little girl. I regarded boys the same way I regarded large insects - with great fear and trepidation from great distances, squinting behind pale sweaty palms. I wasn't evil in the slightest.

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 10:03 p.m.

"I mean, YES, TOTALLY. I barely even recognize our house. It's like it has a…new hairdo!"

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 9:59 p.m.

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