12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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String-bean grungy boys with messy hair and no ass are thumbing through every record in the store at lightning speed, save for when someone walks through the door and they look up casually to assess the coolness factor.

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 2:52 p.m.

A isforf ass ‘cause he gets it all the time.

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 12:09 p.m.

Our dog lost the contest. Some black dog wearing a coconut bra won it.

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 12:06 p.m.

If we've been dating for a few years, then maybe that issue could be brought to the table, but for the love of Jesus, I don't bring my son to bars, to the movies, or to bed with me, and neither should you, you paranoid-ass child.

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 11:59 a.m.

We left the shop feeling like badasses. Well, badasses who left swinging their little girly purses and drove off in a Saab. GRRR!

Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004 - 2:51 p.m.

A band blog beer bar. With hot snarky bartenders. Hello, heaven?

Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004 - 2:44 p.m.

"Sniffing ass and eating peanut butter. Bitch."

Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004 - 2:38 p.m.

So, anyway, not so smart. Also, downloaded between the Edith Piaf and Charles Trenet, there lies a rather smarmy copy of Clay Aiken’s “Invisible”. Actually, two copies, because I’m too dumb to realize that I downloaded one already and hence, have now downloaded it twice.

Wait. Three times. Fuck.

Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004 - 9:44 a.m.

I believe that all it would take is one Alicia Keys screeching bimbo to come along and we would be smurfed right out of the competition. This contest is pretty much the radio version of American Idol.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:15 p.m.

Oh, and if you're looking for an efficent makeup remover and exfoliant? I recommend the Sonicare. Plus, you're minty fresh afterwards.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:13 p.m.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:12 p.m.

You realize that you weren’t raised to be a seedy-ass, annoying junkie, and that it’s really not attractive or going to make you a lot of money so you can get a nice TV and live in a nice house and hang out with people who have interesting intelligent things to say, and you kick all the fucking waste out of your house and you sack up and become the person you were raised to be.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:07 p.m.

My Milkshake.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:05 p.m.

Cuz I'm tired, and the bank is fucking with me, and my fat cat is constantly underfoot nowaways, and my mom is coming in and I don't have appropriate guest quarters for her and my stepdad yet, and I don't know if I even have enough towels, and I know there's plenty of dust still floating through the house, and I'll probably gain 10 pounds while they're here because all they want to do is eat "New York food." All this AND now Rebecca Romijn-Stamos has to DE-hyphenate! It's just too fucking much to handle.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:04 p.m.

I don’t want to list any numbers or foods since I don’t want this to be The UmpteenMillionth My-Calorie-Counts-Are-Fascinating Diet Blog, but I will say this: I have a new appreciation for 1% Milk cheese slices and 94% fat free microwave popcorn, and that’s the most pathetic thing ever.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 6:01 p.m.

I'm reading a new book, as you can see to the right. "A Short History of Nearly Everything". I expect that by the time I finish this book either my brain will hurt, or I will be insanely smart and you will all cower in my might. Or both.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 5:59 p.m.

While I don't mind helping, and Anthony knows this... while we're carting the industrial-sized chesterfields down the stairs to his new basement, you can be sure I'll be calling him interesting names like "Slutty FireMonkey" or "Stank Ass Hoe". What's worse is... he'll probably like it.

Friday, Apr. 16, 2004 - 5:57 p.m.

Four clothes closets. This does not include linens or where he hides the porn that he's too lazy to put back into the giant trunk of porn and sex toys.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 6:10 p.m.

These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 6:08 p.m.

My kid makes Regan from The Exorcist look like a fucking amateur. I have never seen so much vomit in my life, and I used to work with a troupe of bulimics that could puke in perfect sync.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 6:05 p.m.

In fact, I’m thinking of adopting an anti-pants stance. Mostly because I want to say “anti-pants stance” as often as possible. The Anti-Pants Stance! It’s the brand new dance! That comes from France!

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 6:01 p.m.

I was Miss Oral Gratification USA. I'm surprised I didn't own a pacifier and a rawhide chew toy.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:58 p.m.

The other day I drew a masterpiece on Wallflower’s wipe board (depicting her with tremendous saggy balls), and soon after found out someone had tried to erase it.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:55 p.m.

Either way I shouldn’t condone harassment because the station could very well have a stat meter and probably wouldn’t be too happy that I put anyone up to those kinds of shenanigans. By the way the number is 1.800.242.0100.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:54 p.m.

I'd like to think that I'm really not so shallow or superficial. I believe that if I met such a girl and talked to her, and we got along, that I would try for more, even if she was missing a leg or something.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:51 p.m.

My play is tomorrow. Godspell. Prepare Ye the way of the Lord, er something.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:49 p.m.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:47 p.m.

Power? I don’t need your stinking power. You can expect payment from me when you pry it from my cold dead middle finger.

Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 - 5:21 p.m.

"you know, we're kinda sick of being so perky all the time"

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:27 p.m.

At least it came from some cardboard box from the dank recesses of some attic – this shirt was really made in 1974. Yours was made by Nabisco last week, and no amount of artificial peeling is going to make your CompuHyperGlobalMegaNet shirt even remotely as bad ass as mine.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:23 p.m.

i'm excited because someday we'll be married and i'm going to be Annie Cheechoo.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:20 p.m.

I can't have Diet Coke anymore because not only does it now inexplicably taste like shit to me, it also gives me heartburn that feels like the Ku Klux Klan has implanted several thousand burning calling cards in my chest.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:19 p.m.

One time she set the motion sensor alarm in the house, forgot the dog was walking around inside, then when it went off, loaded a rifle and blew a hole through 2 walls and out the front door.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:18 p.m.

"Oh. THAT'S why I've never fielded a question from this guy before."

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:17 p.m.

I am very rarely a bitch, but if you act like a dick, you're going to get some dick right back.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:15 p.m.

But really mostly I’ve been spending my time bossing around the chicken.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:12 p.m.

Although if you really want to keep an audience spellbound, it’s hard to top heroin anecdotes: my erstwhile friend Lanny actually had a story that began, “I was lugging my friend’s body to the hospital one day…”

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:09 p.m.

25) a Belle and Sebastian "Jet Tours" coffee mug filled with nothing, no wait...there are three tiny pencils and a Jolly Rancher wrapper inside it

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:07 p.m.

I just love how everyone talks about how much they’re dreading his return and then when he actually shows up they’re kissing his ass and saying it’s chocolate.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:04 p.m.

"People don't necessarily go to their shows for the music, but for the chance to be soaked in cheezy theatrical carnage."

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:03 p.m.

How an hour can feel like a day, but when the moment is gone…it's a blink. It's a gunshot. It's fucking MTV editing, and a year can be that. Five years. Ten. More. It goes so, so fast.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:02 p.m.

How's THAT for a nightmare alternate reality? Surf all you want, every page is Betabitch, MWAH HAHAHA.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 6:00 p.m.

So, we were walking by the liquor stores (both old and new are adjacent... and yes, we walked by... don't worry, we went in on the way back...) and we noticed people doing renovation work on the older, smaller store.

Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004 - 5:57 p.m.

All three of the cats are in her bedroom, gathered around her like vultures. It's freaking me out.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 7:28 p.m.

I am listening to the station right now. I haven’t heard Britanny yet. It is my secret fantasy that they play our tacky little junk business right after TOXIC. That would be amazing!

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 7:25 p.m.

I did learn, however, that books are heavy, as I began the arduous task of trundling my entire book collection off to used bookstores, one backpack-full at a time, a process akin to emptying a swimming pool with a teaspoon. Motherfuck I have a lot of books, and Christ on a cracker it hurts to get rid of them, both literally and otherwise.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 7:21 p.m.

"Now you know what it was like for me growing up. Just repeat that for about twenty years."

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 7:18 p.m.

Why? Because I'm asking you to.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 7:17 p.m.

Want to make Doug pee his pants?

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 7:15 p.m.

We all have our assigned chores. My son farts and burps, because he is the man of the house. The cat gets the runs. I am the yakker of the family. When someone else yaks I feel terrible because that person is doing my job and I feel that I am slacking.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:19 p.m.

Please, please, please help a guy from Brooklyn catch his dream.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:17 p.m.

What I do know is that you guys can really help me out by
clicking here right now and voting for my tacky little rock group, PUBLIC DOMAIN. I can’t believe this. You have no idea. I’m quivering worse than Ali.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:15 p.m.

Freaking Miss Budina, man. She’s like the Mr. T of the Cat A-Team, she’s so tough. If she started sporting a Mohawk and tiny gold chains, I would not be surprised. Upstairs lives a good-sized, friendly, but very hyperactive golden retriever.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:13 p.m.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:10 p.m.

Canada is a vast frozen tundra so we have to be careful with our energy. It's prowled by polar bears continually stalking us, so when we run, we Canadians run with sticks. Polar Bear Beating Sticks, many of them ornately carved and handed down from father to son.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:09 p.m.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:06 p.m.

I didn't kill myself, I didn't kill Amy, I didn't kill any errant cattle...shit, I barely even killed any of the beer cans we had set up because I really am not a very good shot!! I shot straight into the ground, mostly!

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:05 p.m.

and i'll look over at him and jump up and down and scream yes and he'll skate on over to me holding his limp arm and then we'll kiss through the glass (leaving a lovely teal and black faceprint from yours truly.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 12:02 p.m.

Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004 - 11:59 a.m.

Dude, the most fucking sad, desperate, pathetic person I’ve ever met, in desperate need of a vibrator and a copy of I’m Okay, You’re Okay.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:41 p.m.

I am now so utterly exhausted that I no longer care that I'm bloated, constipated, acne-ridden, brainless, and spastic. It's a peaceful feeling, one that I imagine overcomes people as they slip into comas or begin to succumb to fatal overdoses.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:39 p.m.

The rule of threes has taught me that I need to say one more blasphemous thing to close out this thought.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:36 p.m.

Afterward, we shrink-wrapped our cat.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:23 p.m.

I knew I had hit the apex of the sugar buzz when I caught myself seriously considering singing "Let's Get Physical" while doing jumping jacks.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:20 p.m.

Ten years ago I had a cat named Tartar Control. Tartar Control had hemorrhoids and I was supposed to rub some preparation H type stuff on his ass twice a day to help him out.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:17 p.m.

Go ahead. Fuck it, I don't even care. I'm not fat. You can call me Fatty Boom Batty Titan-Ass the Third if that's how you get your jollies.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:09 p.m.

It's a good thing I'm making exemplary use of all the local spoils! I mean, why else would I be living in a habillion-dollar housing market, if only to NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE.

Monday, Apr. 12, 2004 - 3:02 p.m.

All our sense of tradition has been lost and I’m not sure how I feel about that. On one hand it means I don’t have to worry about going elbows deep in dust bunnies just to retrieve a plastic egg for my parents amusement, but on the other I don’t get to see my cat try to eat the green plastic grass from our Easter baskets only to regurgitate it all over the couch later in the evening.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 6:51 p.m.

HEY! Some things are sacred, and gnawing on a chocolate bunny head just happens to be an Easter tradition I'm not ready to surrender!

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 6:49 p.m.

What I have done is hidden plastic eggs all over the house and promptly forgotten where I hid every single one. My kid had better become some crack fucking detective as he sleeps or he's not going to find jack bone come Easter morning.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:43 p.m.

I gotta pee just looking at him.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:40 p.m.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:36 p.m.

I seem to have amassed a small group of followers that apparently hang upon my every word, and not because I'm a wonderfully witty writer either. No...they all wanna get me naked! How totally traumatizing is that?

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:35 p.m.

And once I said that, she understood. And once I promised her that her suspicions were false, she felt better. And once I told her why I had to go, she knew.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:32 p.m.

I think I might just be the only person on the face of the planet who doesn’t find babies to be cute. If I wanted to look at some chubby, drooling idiot, I’d visit the pound.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:31 p.m.

Every time we glanced at the sun, it tricked us…it had already sneaked away, eight minutes ago, without us even realizing it.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:28 p.m.

So, don't go and buy watermelon flavored massaging lotion thinking you can use it as lube. You can't.

Sunday, Apr. 11, 2004 - 12:26 p.m.

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