12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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He doesn't run like a girl. He runs like the most effeminate parody of a drag queen that you have ever seen, a skinny bowlegged man wearing five-inch stilettos, MAC Viva Glam! lipstick, and a feather boa.

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:31 p.m.

And really, who am I to bag on a published author, who has every right to say "Excuse me, but have YOU written a book? No? Yeah, didn't think so. I checked out that journal of yours, and you're no great shakes yourself. Beeyooootch."

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:27 p.m.

"I think you need to go on this show and have a makeover, Mommy, because you look a little weird lately."

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:24 p.m.

We figured since we were traveling through the languages, and since it was April, we'd go visit the pope for Easter. Why the fuck not? We ARE his children and all.

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:19 p.m.

I can name him what I want. I'll name him Hugh Johnson or Ginormous Penis if I feel like it. By the way, he has a ginormous penis. Do I have to roll for that? Which one of these die numbers corresponds to how big his cock is?

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:11 p.m.

And Kevin Smith looked pretty much how you would expect a naked fat guy to look, except that he had teased out his pubic hair into a sprayed bouffant that bloomed out and covered most of his nakedness.

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:03 p.m.

As it is the day of remembrance for Jesus’ come uppin’s this Sunday (a.k.a. Easter), I am back at my humble abode.

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:02 p.m.

I don't think that's helping your slimy-ness.

Friday, Apr. 09, 2004 - 11:00 p.m.

my friends have been telling me for years that i'm really intimidating and that i come down hard on people. i have no clue what they're talking about.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:24 p.m.

I'm going to England, I'm going to drink a lot, and I'm going to avoid peeing in my pants again. As best I can.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:21 p.m.

All free time has been sucked up lately. My taxes are currently hiding in the spare bathroom. I tossed them in the tub there when I couldn't take looking at them anymore.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:17 p.m.

If I could Barbara Eden my way there right now I would wiggle my cheekbones faster than my grandma did The Twist.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:15 p.m.

Lately, Kitty has been talking a lot about what she wants to be when she "grows up." Her current choices, in no particular order, are Fashion Designer, Editor, Lawyer, Rock Star, or Back-Up Dancer.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:10 p.m.

I wonder if Denzel will finally learn how to let himself feel love, only to have his newfound friend ripped from his embrace by a megalomaniacal villain with a cartoonish accent!

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:08 p.m.

Yes, I have posted a photograph of a really old piece of dusty candy containing two dead bugs. This, this is what makes the internet the place it is.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 7:03 p.m.

For the last year, Security Dude has been fucking with me. It always makes me laugh. He pretends I'm gonna run him over and cowers in fear. Or he plays chicken with me while I ringringring. Good times.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 8:24 a.m.

I can't tell you what a disturbing sight it was - the limp, lifeless body dangling from her mouth, her unexpectedly feral expression. This was an animal that was supposed to be content with Healthy Weight Management Purina Special Care kibble, not out ruthlessly slaughtering our neighborhood songbirds for brunch.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 8:23 a.m.

As I'm sitting here typing this chewing slowly on the head of the rabbit that's sticking out of my mouth, a dribble of spit mixed with chocolate running down the side of my chin and thinking "Pagan fertility symbols usurped by Christianity never tasted so MMM-MMMM good!!!! Thanks Grandma!!"

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 8:22 a.m.

Eventually, we went with them to their place later on Saturday and stayed over, after we played a bunch of boardgames (hello, we are very old), although Anthony and I drank beer to make things more entertaining, for us, at least.

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 8:20 a.m.

I was reading news of the weird in the free weekly paper thing that comes out here, and there was this guy somewhere who went into the emergency room with abdominal pain and the doctors did an xray and found several Barbie doll heads. The guy was all "I like the anal pleasure I get when I shit them out."

Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004 - 8:18 a.m.

A tiny boy of maybe three was walking with his mother ahead of me when he spotted a fire hydrant. He appeared to be enchanted with it and walked over to it to give it a hug.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:56 p.m.

I don’t think that John Ashcroft is really going to pay attention to my helpful suggestions for classing up the porn industry. I think that he probably still sticks to the Sears catalogs, circa 1950s, and beats it saying things like “oh god, look at that girdle…so lumpy…so fine.”

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:48 p.m.

I asked the teller, who also works at the pub and has seen me this close to blotto, if she wanted ID and she goes, "nah, I've seen you around before." Okay, that would never ever happen in the city.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:47 p.m.

If this goes on for much longer then I'm sure I will have to go to the ER and get sandblasted or whatever, but until then my ass will remain unmolested and probe-free.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:44 p.m.

It was art school, of course, so “getting fucked up” was practically inscribed on the first-year curriculum.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:39 p.m.

I don't really watch hockey, although I am aware that there is a pro team in town, and that once a few years ago they did good and won some sort of large serving bowl.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:37 p.m.

I just try to live a simple life. Just like mi padre taught me, you know? But shit costs money. Money I don't got. I want to buy crucifix made of gold and diamonds. It costs too much. I buy it anyway, hang in my car, on rearview. So much pain for mi familia.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:32 p.m.

i much preferred the days where i would wake up, you know, whenever. and i would put on pants, you know, if i felt like it.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:30 p.m.

In fact, I think negative ions can be blamed for far more than flyaway hair. The stretch marks on my thighs that, as I have learned recently, do NOT tan, EVER? Negative ions.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:27 p.m.

The thumb is more important than one would think. In fact, it’s the very thing that let us evolve. Without thumbs, the world might just be run by giant Lemurs, walking around with cell phones, driving BMWs.

Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004 - 5:23 p.m.

“If you were a booger I’d pick you first”

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:38 p.m.

Boston hates a Midwesterner. The drivers will honk. The cabbies will look askance. Restaurant servers will roll their eyes. Dogs will sniff suspiciously.

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:37 p.m.

I really don't think I should be around other people's children. Even my own child is looking at me like I might just grow a second head.

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:31 p.m.

Or I could have been a philosopher. This is the Holy Grail of pseudo-careers: the job consists entirely of sitting around and thinking about shit. This is what I was born to do! You give me someplace to sit, and some shit to think about, and I will sit and think the paint right off the walls!

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:26 p.m.

Honestly, we've failed in all of our endeavers, except the sex part. Priorities people.

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:23 p.m.

Ignore that soft thump thump thump sound you hear in the background. It's only me hitting my head on my mousepad.

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:22 p.m.

I was all set to tell you about the job situation. You know, where I don’t have a job and then I go back to my old job as a temp gig. That story. Fuck, I kind of just told it.

Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 5:10 p.m.

No, dammit, this is my year! The year I happily proclaim to the world, "I AM AN ORIOLES FAN!" without the derisive chuckle of idiots on my right and left.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:54 p.m.

let all the sons and daughters of the senators who voted us into this shit go finish it off.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:53 p.m.

I actually got annoyed at seeing my own face on the front of my diary every time I visited.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:51 p.m.

“Now you have crab meat hanging off of your lip. You can’t propose with FOOD on your FACE.”

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:49 p.m.

Yes, apparently 1.25 hours is not considered far to some people.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:49 p.m.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:47 p.m.

Last night, I seduced myself, and I have to say that, really, I was disgusted.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:43 p.m.

I hate: time changes, Mondays, insomnia, dentist appointments, and dentist appointments on a Monday morning right after you have had insomnia and there was just a time change.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:42 p.m.

They will now find out that I was one fucking CrazySexyCool motherfucker in the past, and was once arrested for being way too sassy in a 60mph zone. Fuuuuuuuck!

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:37 p.m.

Dude knows how to dress. The guy’s fashion sense is off the charts. And he’s married to Iman – with the two of them in such close proximity, I’m surprised the hyper-concentrated style vibes don’t open a vortex to an alternate dimension where it rains Dolce & Gabbana handbags, or something. He looked fantastic.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:47 a.m.

Like the girl we saw dressed like a fairy...she had about four teeth total, hairy legs, and was sporting a nicotine patch on her left arm. So I turned to Cristi and said "Look. Ye Olde nicotine patch." just like she knew I would.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:46 a.m.

I'm not sure why, after realizing that I couldn't even SEE the questions on the screen, I screamed to the entire bar that I was the Queen of Trivia, and anyone was daft to dare oppose me.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:43 a.m.

I may just shake my Depakote bottles like maracas while doing a little samba around my living room. Whee! Weight loss! Weight loss!

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:41 a.m.

since i've spent quite a few hours on it, i figured i'd share. i'm a giver, it's true.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:39 a.m.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:37 a.m.

And I will be the one standing at the bar pretending to enjoy the techno music from four years ago that goes bomp-a bomp-a bomp-a and gets far enough inside of my head to echo until eleven o'clock the next day.

Monday, Apr. 05, 2004 - 10:33 a.m.

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