12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 5:07 p.m.

I’ve practically bought my one way ticket to hell so I figure I might as well make it a first class seat.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 5:04 p.m.

She's vegan, but I was a little worried that she might be one of those cannabalistic vegans you hear so much about. Luckily, all my limbs are still intact, teethmark-free.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 5:03 p.m.

I'm pretty sure Count Chocula is out, since he's fictional, but Captain Crunch has a crispy edge that I'm betting can't be beat.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 9:20 a.m.

So, here we go again. I'm gonna take Diaryland by her big ol' titties and try and swing her around the room once more.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 9:19 a.m.

Why yes, I do believe I'm a rock star. On Thursday nights I am Joan Jett, Mick Jagger, and Britney Spears all wrapped up into one big stupid drunk package.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 9:17 a.m.

Flying halfway around the world? Myeh. Flying halfway around the world with FREE BEER? Priceless.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 9:16 a.m.

You just threw up reading that, didn’t you? I'm sorry. If you didn’t, then perhaps you should check to see if you’re a damned robot or something.

Saturday, Apr. 03, 2004 - 9:03 a.m.

Bust'n Nuts On European Sluts

Friday, Apr. 02, 2004 - 8:25 p.m.

Friday, Apr. 02, 2004 - 8:22 p.m.

The only bona fide concert I’ve ever attended was Metallica, whom I deigned to see for various reasons relating to the freeness of the ticket.

Friday, Apr. 02, 2004 - 8:18 p.m.

I love you guys. Love you enough to mess with your heads and now feel a little bit guilty for people who totally believed it.

Friday, Apr. 02, 2004 - 8:18 p.m.

i figured most people would think it was simply another april fools joke.

Friday, Apr. 02, 2004 - 8:16 p.m.

"I'm all innocent, but I look so naughty, but I'm still pure, but I could totally eat you alive if I wanted to, but I won't cause I'm a good girl...sometimes"

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 5:05 p.m.

And a tummy tuck? Please. I would blow Congress for a good tummy tuck and a little lipo.

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 5:05 p.m.

Here is a special APRIL FOOLS DAY song written for my favorite neighbor. I hope you like it.

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 5:01 p.m.

People in Manchester are going to think Canada is a Third World country, or at least seriously fashion-deprived, as I step off the plane in the bedraggled scraps of clothing I’ve been wearing for over a year and my sad, worn-out, frumpy shoes. My kingdom for new shoes!

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 4:59 p.m.

“Man… who was the box person? Who was out there dragging three dozen big copy paper boxes of death around the department?”

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 4:57 p.m.

If I were a sociologist...

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 4:56 p.m.

"Honey, if the Lord Jesus Christ had come down and broken up that fight, that child would have hit him, too. Don't you let this dampen your enthusiasm, girl."

Thursday, Apr. 01, 2004 - 4:53 p.m.

I give sex the old college try and so should you, and if you don't then I will leave the room and go smoke a cigarette in the kitchen while muttering under my breath about three-pump chumps.

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 6:29 p.m.

I mean, come on, what are you married and living with someone for if you can’t ask them what their completely unqualified, non-professional opinion is when you ask the age-old question “is this a hemorrhoid?”

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 6:22 p.m.

"I'm gonna get a snack, a snack, a snack, a snack, a snack-snack-snacky-snaaaaack..."

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 6:21 p.m.

Holy shit… exchange rate? It is customary to use lube, babe. I’m just saying.

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 6:15 p.m.

They all want a trampoline. That's too bad because we are never going to buy them a trampoline. My offspring are too mental to play on one without killing themselves. And I don't want other people's offspring killing themselves in my backyard either. That would be bad.

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 6:06 p.m.

Imagine a tall woman, her face obscured in a semi-menacing bank robber type get-up meeting you at the door. "Welcome to the sugar house. Would you like to read my manifesto?"

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 6:02 p.m.

Bitchface’s office is quite close to mine, and when she’s on the phone I can hear every word she says – it helps, of course, that she’s about as dulcet-toned as a menopausal burro.

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 11:56 a.m.

In my-poor-kitty news, Elmo is back from the vet, and she is definitely both exhausted and completely freaked out. Her tail hasn't stopped twitching since she's arrived home and she has a slightly haunted look in her eyes as if she just returned from Vietnam.

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 11:52 a.m.

My dad is bringing me a smoothie machine. How he created a false memory of me asking for a smoothie machine is a mystery, folks. But one is on its way.

Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 11:44 a.m.

No email, no phone, no fax no server left plenty of time to discuss with former cubemate Matt exactly at what point it was okay to bash my skull in after a zombie bite.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 7:14 p.m.

I also might try and catch that Passion movie since, apparently, I don’t have enough jew hatred.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 7:09 p.m.

The Lost Puppy Approach: you don't feed the puppy, and you don't pet the puppy, but if it follows you home you don't spray it with the hose either.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 7:07 p.m.

I turned twenty-six on Sunday. In lieu of gifts, donations can be made to the Osteoporosis Foundation.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 7:07 p.m.

I want to feel good. I want to be healthy and normal and prance around like the girls in the tampon commercials.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 7:01 p.m.

I think this is a bad idea. Unless we plan on turning Russia into a huge mall.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:39 p.m.

I’m not going to take a bullet for you. Even if I knew that you were going to cure cancer and that by sacrificing myself, I would save millions and millions of people. That’s the kind of sunshiny girl I am.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:38 p.m.

For the record, he was never "fat" to begin with, but I think he liked it better when he was referred to as "emaciated," which is why he's always trying to lose weight.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:23 p.m.

Now I know how girls feel, everyone was pointing and staring at my chest.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:20 p.m.

We finally did it. Idiot-Milk and I took a trip to Vegas and got ourselves hitched. We are husband and wife forever.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:19 p.m.

My dad used to tease me about my tiny nostrils, incidentally. He used to laugh at the fact that I am physically unable to pick my nose.

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:15 p.m.

i just saw a japanese girl wearing a tshirt that said WHO'S AFRAID OF JOHN GALLIANO?

Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004 - 1:13 p.m.

Regardless, he has given us a true gift: from that point forward, everything is a fooking wankah. Everything. The tube is a fooking wankah. The exchange rate is a fooking wankah. The mattresses are a matched pair of fooking wankahs.

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 5:35 p.m.

I’ll tell you what we really need. You to come over so I can throw lit cigarettes at you.

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 5:32 p.m.

I find that competition is common with five-year-olds. Who has the best paintbrush? Who got the biggest strawberry? Who has the most marbles? Who can strangle the cat in the most inventive fashion?

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 5:24 p.m.

Me: “Dude. Are you drunk?”
Beaker: “Not really – I only had four beers. Maybe five. Four or five.”
Me: “Wow. Getting a head start on your St. Patrick’s Day celebrating, huh?”
Beaker: “IT’S ST. PATRICK’S DAY?! I forgot! Yay!”

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 5:21 p.m.

Zombie movies get my adrenaline all cranked up.

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 9:50 a.m.

She kept knocking into tables with her legs and even managed to stomp on computer tower all the while I am attached to her back in more of a passenger capacity. I was told later that it was that moment that Dara came up with her new nickname for me, which is Whale Rider.

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 9:45 a.m.

Hello to my sisters and brothers in Chernobyl! Our web-footed kids can be pen-pals.

Monday, Mar. 29, 2004 - 9:42 a.m.

All those skinny bitches I had to yell at for the past 4 days, apparently love me.

Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004 - 8:41 p.m.

This is the same man who once suggested that I drop cats for my science project. Seriously. We held the cats upside down above my bed and dropped them in order to see how low we could go before they were unable to flip right-side-up.

Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004 - 8:38 p.m.

This isn’t Wal-mart you can’t beat your children here.

Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004 - 2:57 p.m.

I decided that it would probably be fairly easy to remove the snot ball by sticking a Q-Tip down my throat.

Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004 - 2:56 p.m.

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