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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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The thing is, these things always seem like such a good idea at the time.

Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 8:05 p.m.

At around 7 oíclock, I found myself holding the toilet in a warm embrace.

Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 8:03 p.m.

Squibb Vicious Weasel Kitty Von Oglethorpe Aldrich

Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 8:03 p.m.

I mean, there's a reason that we have skin all over our bodies, and that's to keep all that gross, pussy, and bloody stuff inside of us and out of sight.

Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 7:09 p.m.

You're basically saying that fat girls give better sexing.

Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 9:41 a.m.

Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 9:36 a.m.

"A restless night of sleep is better than a restless night of sleep...in jail."

Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 9:33 a.m.

I love Halloween. I really do. If it were socially acceptable I would totally go trick-or-treating. Sometimes I want a kid just so I can experience the fun innocence of holidays all over again.

Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 9:33 a.m.

Are you a woman? Are you a woman with an ex boyfriend? Are you a woman with an ex boyfriend who, for whatever reason, wants said ex boyfriend to reappear in your life?

Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 9:25 a.m.

Then one year I was a football player. Even as a child I found this delightfully ironic because I hated football and just knew I would grow up to be an artist and a flaming homosexual.

Friday, Oct. 31, 2003 - 10:59 a.m.

In addition to the usual combustions at an unusual volume, there's hysterical laughter, toilet paper rolling across the room, the stall door getting the shit kicked out of it and, when it's all over, her peering over the stall and saying hello.

Friday, Oct. 31, 2003 - 10:53 a.m.

I sort of think I was depressed, but I donít really know why. Sometimes I think it was because I was left to my own devices and became this effervescent mushroom, a sort of weird Suzy Coed Jekyll and Hyde.

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 10:20 p.m.

There is so much evil in the world. There should be less.

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 10:20 p.m.

So I grabbed a stack of mini post-it notes and a green marker, and left her birthday greetings ALL OVER the house. Her closet reminded her to put on her birthday suit. The dishwasher told her that birthday girls donít do dishes. The cat said Meow! Happy Birthday!

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 10:19 p.m.

Well you asked for it! Oh, right... not you didn't. But you're gonna get it, anyway. You're gonna take it. You're gonna take it and like it.

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 10:16 p.m.

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself: WWLZD?

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 10:16 p.m.

Neil hits self with pan, hideíníseek, Balowski drinks coke and goes on killing spree

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 10:10 p.m.

I'll wear my leather pants and a black turtleneck and a witch's hat and say it's a costume. I'm going with one of the ladies from the crap club as our spouses will be away. Life should be pretty sweet, tomorrow night around 11 when I start on my seventh drink.

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 2:46 p.m.

Apparently, dressing up in a costume, eating delicious food, and getting drunk on good beer was on NONE of my friends' agendas.

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 2:43 p.m.

Please may I murder her? Really, it's the humane thing to do. For everyone involved. What I'd REALLY like to do is deprive her of food & water for as long as it takes. C'm on. Can I? Jeb?

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 2:40 p.m.

Then there's the pile of bricks she keeps beside her, a handy reserve of projectiles to hurl at a passing child who may inadvertantly step on her front lawn.

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 2:39 p.m.

Yesterday, I had to call a bunch of customers to let them know their special orders were in. One guy, who said on the order form that his name was something like Giant D*ildo Jones, answered his phone. I asked for Giant and he was all, "Huh?" Then I heard the unmistakable sound of a water bong followed by silence and then a lengthy exhale.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:15 p.m.

Hence, Iíve been inspired. So Iím an English major alright. Perhaps Iíll even learn proper grammar and syntax so that I can right more effectively about the subject.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:08 p.m.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:04 p.m.

I held my tongue and did not point out that his socks get crusty and hard after a few short hours, and if not handled gingerly, will sometimes shatter on the way to the laundry room.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:03 p.m.

Yes, Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer, a movie in which Jesus uses kung fu to wipe out a horde of bloodsuckers who attack lesbians.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:02 p.m.

I am, however, pretty grateful that my procrastination has manifested itself in something more productive than watching Law and Order for five hours a night.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 8:59 p.m.

Since I'd end up getting a job teaching little zygotes and explaining to them that Jonathon Swift wasn't REALLY suggesting that the rich eat the Irish babies and no, Jane Austen did not totally copy Emma from the movie "Clueless".

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:39 p.m.

It's a darn good thing the plane didn't crash, because 1) shit, I'd be dead, and that would suck, right? and 2) I was all by myself in my row and therefore had no chance of Plane Death Fantasy Part Two which involves my seatmate, a rumpled-yet-surprisingly-sexy businessman, tearing off his glasses and catching my face with both hands, then delivering the most amazing kiss of my short life as the doomed plane plummets earthward.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:37 p.m.

Here's how to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:35 p.m.

I have no idea what's going to happen.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:34 p.m.

"Give 'em a haaaaahhhhd time. They love ya for it! Men love a bitch!"

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:32 p.m.

I was instantly transformed into Sheila from the secretarial pool, complete with serious chocolate addiction and Beanie Baby fetish.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:32 p.m.

I mean, I am indeed a jerk but just not where this is concerned.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:30 p.m.

After all, if you're going to spew, you have to go all out and yark like an elephant. It's much more satisfying and cleansing than dribs and drabs, you know?

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:28 p.m.

See, there's a black boy on my left and a gay boy on my right and i'm still totally comfortable.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 4:24 p.m.

Since I've lost weight, I can't stop checking out my own breasts.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:47 a.m.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:39 a.m.

Yes, I'll jump out of a plane to avoid the board game versions of "Big Brother" or "Survivor".

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:38 a.m.

I play the overbearing yet devoted girlfriend of a sex-fiend who, upon seeing a flesh-craving zombie headed right for her, waxes intellectual about life, love, gender roles, and the promise of generations to come.

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 9:35 a.m.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:23 p.m.

Aren't you so much happier now? Doesn't life seem somehow, brighter? More exiting? The future certainly does. You might even feel the desire to don tinted spectacles!

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:21 p.m.

Some bastard keeps eating all the mini boxes of Corn Pops before I can eat them.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:21 p.m.

I have friends that had to be evacuated from their house in less than ten minutes. I donít think thatís enough time for me to kiss all of my action figures goodbye.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:20 p.m.

Yes, there has been a major shift in the geopolitics of the cat world here at MarnCo, the ruthless multinational behind The Big Adventure. We're still reeling.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:14 p.m.

The guys donít want her walking in on us while weíre naked and the girls donít want her walking in on one of their lesbian trysts.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:11 p.m.

It's times like this that I could easily see the allure of a monastic life. But then the cat hunts me through the halls and demands that I attend to her.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 5:04 p.m.

Each and every booty on earth should have its own anthem. God Bless the Booty House.

Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2003 - 10:59 a.m.

I didnít say a word to her. I just stayed quiet and let her squirm because she knows she fucked with my stuff and worse, she knew that I knew that she fucked with my stuff.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 10:46 p.m.

"No, Mom! I know what I'm doing! It's just, it's just I've been staring at my pajamas for twenty minutes sobbing, and I don't know why I'm like this, I don't. I'm so unbelievably stressed that I just can't move."

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 10:43 p.m.

Dad, I can't do this anymore. I've been feeding you a pack of bullshit. I'm not going to graduate school. The idea of trying to get a Master's in accounting or finance is just....God, I can't do it.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 10:37 p.m.

The boy in the photo is, yes, Canadian Boy! He slept over Friday night.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 10:35 p.m.

Annie: i like to look at the different mountain ranges and figure out in which direction the tectonic plates are moving.

Eli: i like eating a lot of jellybeans.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 2:56 p.m.

Yeah, well, this morning, as I went to send my little package out into the world, I looked down and noticed that one member of the Puupuu tribe looked exactly like a sea horse.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 2:54 p.m.

Work is going great, and I love it. I even hesitate to call it work, I like it so much. Don't tell anyone, but I'd do this kind of thing for a fraction of what they're paying me.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 2:51 p.m.

I could also put a sheet over my head, cut out some holes for eyes, and then carry a bag with a rock in it. Charlie Brown. Ha ha, I'm so funny.

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 2:49 p.m.

"I think I'm a racist. I never was before this job. I believe in stereotypes now."

Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 2:46 p.m.

Those things are so obvious that I'm not sure why people use them. They never result in anything remotely resembling natural eye color. To be honest, her crazy unnatural eyes were freaking me out. Just a little.

But her overall hotitude made up for any wacky eye colors.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 9:57 p.m.

Darts is the best game of all time. I don't care what's going on, you can always play some darts, man. I wouldn't be surprised if doctors occasionally stopped mid-surgery for a quick round.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 9:56 p.m.

Whenever CockTease leaves anything in our common room for more than a day, I am going to duct tape it to her door.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 9:51 p.m.

No fair. Two of my (one-week old) windowboxes are wilting. Seriously, falling over, wilting. I watered them. I talked to them. I shimmied for them. Nothing worked.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 9:49 p.m.

Iím thinking of walking the seventeen miles from the airport to my hotel, but I remember the first time I thought I could walk everywhere in manhattan I had blisters the size of small islands on my feet.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 9:41 p.m.

The drinks were pricey but the food was fantastic; the olive patte was so good I had to resist the urge to rub it all over my face.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 9:35 p.m.

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