12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Does anyone want a cat?

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 11:00 a.m.

I don't need a slutty friend or a guy in a limo. Christ. I like dive bars! I would look ridiculous in a strapless dress! And Sarah Jessica Parker needs to be force-fed cake (the food).

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 10:59 a.m.

For the record: Lee and I are good friends. We both love Tenacious D and piano bars and Amaretto Sours. He's a good kid, that Lee, he is, but that's IT.

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 10:57 a.m.

For the record, if I were to toss my 15-year-old bald-shaven left nut at Doug, it would not only crush him, but he would declare it to be the finest tea-bagging he's ever received in his life. And I wasn't even trying.

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 10:55 a.m.

detsujda eb ot deen ton seod rotinom rouY

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 10:54 a.m.

The teacher remarked, “You’re looking dangerously French today.”

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 10:51 a.m.

No more bikinis on bicycles for me.

Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 10:49 a.m.

I have coached him on how to sound sincere when my family says how nice it is that he has offered his house. I have set up therapy for him afterwards.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 5:11 p.m.

Ohhhh! Poor Roy!

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 5:09 p.m.

I mean, I can understand why they would want to know my life story, or at least the part where I had that special operation to remove the piece of my brain that made me kill randomly and gleefully, but most of them didn't even ask my age.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 5:08 p.m.

Fools! Wastrels! It's all I can do not to dance up to them and say, "Neener, neener, neener."

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 5:06 p.m.

I faced a bottomless Beaker, with a Bitch tattoo firmly affixed to a single, pert, white buttock. He was grinning at me over his left shoulder.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 5:04 p.m.

I will mow your lawn, read from the Torah, juggle, sing, place the lotion in the basket, whatever needs to be done. Even if you cast some kind of Santeria spell that will be fine.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 5:01 p.m.

I have to say that I played the part as convincingly as I could, despite NOT breaking into "Cold-Hearted Snake" and writhing all around the stage.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 9:27 a.m.

Okay, I cried. Alright? I gasped, "Giles!" And then tears rolled down my face.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 9:22 a.m.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 9:18 a.m.

Dude, if it has vibrating seats... I'm getting one!

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 9:15 a.m.

I don’t think I’ll ever believe that saying something like, “You’ll never guess what happened with my tampon today!” will be the same as, “Wow! Where’d you get those fabulous shoes?”

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 8:24 a.m.

This would be the part where you nod your head sagely and say, "Oh yes, always darkest before the dawn." A little sympathetic shoulder patting followed by some soothing "There theres" would not be remiss, either.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 8:21 a.m.

When a boy can’t find pleasure in screaming “SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!” at the top of his lungs, you know there’s a serious problem.

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 8:15 a.m.

"I am the darkness in the hallway. I am the whisper in the classroom. Come with me...be my victim."

Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 - 8:14 a.m.

"Lucky looked like she wanted to kick me in the gonards," then I might be telling you the truth. I don't really know. I think I saw her foot twitch once in the direction of my nutsack.

Thursday, Oct. 23, 2003 - 10:32 a.m.

I was thinking that maybe, with my slightly red-tinged hair, I could be Irish for Halloween. All I would have to do it wear green, get piss drunk, and walk around with a potato in my hand...cause ya know...that's all Irish people really are.

Thursday, Oct. 23, 2003 - 10:28 a.m.

For the record...it would appear, based on this list, that I have some sort of baby eating factory website.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 10:38 p.m.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 10:35 p.m.

I have two items from my childhood that I have decided to share with you, so that you may laugh at me long and hard and maybe spray milk out your nose.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 10:32 p.m.

Ever since I was in Vegas with my mother and she told me about the guy that was hitting on her because of her big tits, I’ve learned that I could never underestimate their capacity for the naughty.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 7:15 p.m.

I just can't get over that a bunch of rich, white men voted to ban certain abortion procedures. Is ironic the right word for it? Maybe in Alanis's universe. Cosmic joke, more like.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 7:14 p.m.

The casting lady is a blast, when she was cutting Jake's cast off, he asked if his puncture wound would bleed, and she told him "Yes! Blood is going to POUR DOWN YOUR ARM IN A RED RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP, MUAHAHA!"

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 7:11 p.m.

Don't worry about me going back to school because you're coming with me to be my little man servant. You will "relieve" me of any stress and feed me grapes while you fan me with banana leaves.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 6:55 p.m.

I walked into office stoic and still, and Deb said, "Boy, I know you're in pain if you're not blabbering away the instant you hit that door."

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 6:39 p.m.

"Hey, that bald guy should be mugged and the other bald guy should get his arm chopped off."

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 6:29 p.m.

I asked her mother if she wanted to speak to her naked daughter, then when the mother began to go ape shit I told her that Sue’s mouth was too full to talk. I then put three fingers in my mouth and said in a stupid ass girly voice, “Hello Mom? I’ll be home pretty soon. I love you.”

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 11:01 a.m.

I just spent a crazy hour surfing everybody's journalcon entries because I am big ass star fucker.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 10:05 a.m.

I mean, the first couple of weeks was okay, because, hey, I've been without beer for that long before. No, really, I have.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 9:51 a.m.

Nuthin' says lovin' like a ghost and goblin runnin' round the 'hood eggin' houses and shovin' Snickers down their gobs like Monica Lewinsky at a night in the White House.

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 9:50 a.m.

I didn't know exactly what to say to her except "Dude, you rule and your husband is fucking HOT."

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 2003 - 9:32 a.m.

I was pissed about having to wait, and relieved that my leg wasn't broken because I suspect that in Texas, they would have shot me.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 6:27 p.m.

I was mortified, and irritated as FUCK that I'm the only one (other than JP & Sid) that thinks I'm funny.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 6:13 p.m.

I also saw the guy who played Booger in Revenge of The Nerds sitting and making notes to himself. He totally checked me out. He probably thought I was Beck, too.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 6:01 p.m.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 10:23 a.m.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've had the habit of literally diving into bed.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 10:22 a.m.

Of course, everyone else writing about the weekend will undoubtedly provide more detail and better commentary and all, but, ha-ha, does their page have vanilla? I think not!

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 10:20 a.m.

It was quite a challenging event when I met my first clinically depressed friend. I was all, "Why can't you just suck it up and get out of bed?"

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 10:08 a.m.

If anyone is looking around the Lost and Found and happens to spot my Virginity, could you please return it to me? Thanks, ‘preciate.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 10:07 a.m.

"I mean, he could get anyone he wanted. ANYONE!! He doesn't need to rape anyone! That's proof right there that he didn't do it."

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 10:04 a.m.

Basically, I consider this cheese sandwich to be not unlike a heathen god and will one day erect an alter to it, complete with flowers and effigies made out of Play-Doh. Sacrifices are in the works, too, once I figure out which cute furry animals the cheese sandwich prefers.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:57 a.m.

That quota loving bastard came across my diary and said "hey, a central american who can write more than her own name and fake social security number, she's in!"

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:46 a.m.

That’s right, I made my mother cry. I’m a horrible human being, but you already knew that.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:37 a.m.

Personally, I blame the TV and indie shows on Canadian radio, not my complete ineptness at verbalizing emotional states.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:33 a.m.

You can well imagine my horror when the handful of 20 something male weightlifters around me confessed that they have never heard of the Supremes or Diana Ross.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:32 a.m.

I knew that Johnny Cash's "Boy Named Sue" was based on a Shel Silverstein poem.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:29 a.m.

If Squibb went to CT, then she would have to live with my grandmother's cat "Sugar" who is the closest that cats have ever come to actually being a paper weight, and has the IQ of a box of very intelligent raisins.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:24 a.m.

"Shut UP! Fuck you! Always fucking nay-saying! Everything I create! You piece of shit! Let's see YOU create something! Like my clever misspelling of "per say!" You fucking shit! You fucking sit in your tower! What's funny? You fucking bitch! Fucking, fuck yeah! Fucking....COCK-ASS!

....You're fired from Diaryland."

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:22 a.m.

I'm a story associate now. A writer for a reality tv show. I am getting paid to write.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:17 a.m.

I also get spam from every company that has ever manufactured an enhancement or enlargement device intended for the male genitalia. On that subject I just want to say that I don’t think it’s right that people should make assumptions about me just because I’m Irish.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 9:16 a.m.

I'm tired, and I'm hungover, and I just can't put it all into words, but I love everyone here.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 8:35 a.m.

Marn tells mother nature she ain’t nobody’s bitch. I, however, am most certainly the mother’s Bitch. Ass. Submissive. Bottom.

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 8:33 a.m.

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