12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

Join the Notifylist:


January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April Fools 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
Sept/Oct 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July/August 2008
September 2008
Just Opened
Stale Beer 2006
Stale Beer 2005
Stale Beer 2004
Stale Beer 2003


Golf Widow
Groovy Decay
Metal Eve
Mr. Fabulous



At one point in the commercial, the announcer-guy said "For rapid relief of diarrhea", which is all fine and good, but since I wasn't paying attention, and have funk-o-groovin' tunes on my earphones, I heard "for rapid RELEASE of diarrhea", and I was shocked!

Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003 - 4:05 p.m.

One of Satan's favorite pastimes would stand be to around and talk to himself. He would say things like, "Once I'm through with these people, the world will NEVER be the same!" Again, I've heard real evil characters on the show say that as well, yet they meant it! They'd go out and kill people and stuff. But not Satan. Nope he was all talk, no action. (Too busy painting, I'm sure.)

Saturday, Nov. 29, 2003 - 4:03 p.m.

One day, when power bleeding becomes an Olympic event, the announcers will say, "Yeah, sure, the Bulgarians may have a lock on the sport now, but once there was a woman in Quebec who could have out-hemorrhaged the whole kit and kaboodle of them."

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 7:31 p.m.

If I were to develop a reality show, I'd make a FAT CAMP reality dating show, where 10 guys and 10 girls with really great personalities go to fat camp, hook up, and see if they still wanted to date each other after they became thin. Oh shit, I better call a producer...

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 7:29 p.m.

I really don't know what a photo of Ty Pennington shirtless in the shower with water cascading over his rock-hard abs hotness has to do with design, but K and I will be asking Santa to please bring us this wonderful, beautiful book.

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 7:28 p.m.

Well, my mother-in-law Mimi was not having it. She nearly fainted from shock when I told her I planned on serving Chinese take-out to her only son on Thanksgiving day. Before I knew it, she was at my house with trays of lasagna, stuffing, and breaded mushrooms as well as lemon cake. She was hellbent on making sure I was fucking thankful.

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 7:27 p.m.

My mother is going to pull a Jesus and somehow make our miniscule Thanksgiving Day leftovers into 5 or 6 more meals so she doesn’t have to cook for the rest of the week.

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 7:24 p.m.

I know I am one step away from being that lady on the news who has to build an addition to her house because her already huge house and garage is literally filled with craptacular crap all sitting around collecting dust all unused with its original price tags still intact just because it was on sale because ohmygodhowcanyoupassupasale?

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 7:22 p.m.

My reciept from the Krispy Kreme in Medford read "The hot sign is on in Medford". This made me think "The hot sign is ON...in my pants" and then wonder how difficult if would be to shove a neon sign down the front of my trousers.

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 8:32 a.m.

Wednesday I drove home. On the way home I passed through a small town called Jewett and cried out, "Just Jewett!" in the car.

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 8:29 a.m.

Oh, shucks, we totally didn’t realize we had a hatemonger in our midst! He was sneakily hiding under that white cloak!

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 - 8:23 a.m.

"Half an hour on the treadmill, 20 minutes on the Stairmaster, 15 minutes on the stationary bicycle. Go forth my child and pie no more."

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 12:15 p.m.

I told Jeanie, 'Something's wrong with my girl; she'll reschedule.'" She flips a piece of foil out of my eyes. "Or," she whispers, "I figured you might be hungover."

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 12:09 p.m.

Us guys are just here for decoration. My dad and I are outnumbered 4 to 2. (That’s counting my cat and dog who are also of the vagina persuasion.)

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 12:01 p.m.

That means I am happy and grateful! So I will officially be invited to display the coveted “golden pen” graphic on my site. Wait until Paul Bettany gets wind of this – he’ll leave that whore Jennifer Connolly in a cloud of dust faster than you can say “Labyrinth sucked.”

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 11:57 a.m.

I still don't know if there's an Am Ex card in my name being passed around the schoolyard. Hmph.

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 11:54 a.m.

Even if I tried to do something ‘serious’ with my life, I don’t think I’d be able. I’d be known as "The Funny Pope.”

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 11:44 a.m.

At this point, there is no part of me enjoying the muscle manipulation. I am not relaxed. It is all about the snot.

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 11:41 a.m.

Her ass is taking the week off, but she's going to hand off work to me just so she can say she's done? Get the fuck out of here!

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 11:38 a.m.

He doesn't really die or suffer any gory realistic injuries, he is basically just simply flattened. Which works out well for him, because now he can slide under doors and be placed in the mail to visit exotic locations.

Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 11:36 a.m.

That test left me with a Not So Fresh Feeling.

Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003 - 7:43 a.m.

"What can I say, B, and I hope this makes sense the way I'm phrasing it, but you're a hole-plugger. I have a hole somewhere in my life, you plug it. Cd, scrapbook, whatever."

Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003 - 7:41 a.m.

Nowadays I am officially docked in Ottawa whilst I pinch pennies to fund Operation Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge, Like, Permanently.

Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003 - 7:39 a.m.

Adding to the Respect And Discipline static, I’m a big talker. (You: “Nooo!” Me: “Yes. It’s true.”)

Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003 - 7:35 a.m.

Monday, when I woke up I discovered the back half of my left leg is covered in huge bruises. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how it happened until I recalled the Land Of Little People And Their Hell-On-Wheels.

Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2003 - 7:33 a.m.

Honestly, I would pay money to watch her blow a donkey or have a cage match with Celine, Cher and Mariah Carey, but if she’s just going to bellow at me, I just know I would have flashbacks for every bad karaoke song I’ve ever endured.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 4:29 p.m.

Apparently, I had fallen so deeply asleep on top of it that it became angry and spiteful, and decided to do the same thing just to freak my shit out.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 4:25 p.m.

I got to be a tree, which meant I stood in the background. This pretty much encapsulates my basic co-ordination levels and personal charisma.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 4:22 p.m.

Then Dad told me last night about he lived upstairs by himself when he was a kid. And that there was definitely a "Booger Man" up there.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 4:22 p.m.

I swear, at this point, I was ready to leave my house to find a bus to throw myself in front of.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 4:14 p.m.

The significance of the fiesta in The Sun Also Rises is sweet, sweet parties. SWEET, SWEET PARTIES.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:41 a.m.

How pathetic, it’s not even five a.m. and already I must accept that I will be commuting to work dressed as a lesbian.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:33 a.m.

thankfully, my mother always taught me that if you can't say something nice jab a fork in their crotch.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:30 a.m.

Honestly, I felt GOOD the whole night, and I'm looking forward to my visiting her this summer. Hopefully, she'll have loads of good boy mates for me to snog.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:22 a.m.

I like it here. Los Angeles smells the same. Today's mountains were sepia-toned. My throat hurts from singing too much P.J. Harvey too wildly in too much desert.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:21 a.m.

Not that this is germane to my argument, but I’m just saying – you are “supporting” a fucking space alien, people.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:16 a.m.

Warning! Warning! I have not included this recipe in order to share it with you for the purposes of you actually making these cookies! Because they are Ass Cookies! As in, Tastes Like!

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:12 a.m.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:11 a.m.

My toilet was backed up and I couldn't go throw up in there because it would make a gigantic mess...so I spent the better part of the morning confused and fevered trying to decide where else I could throw up.

Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2003 - 8:07 a.m.

There are occasions when I feel not unlike a vaudeville magician.

Monday, Nov. 24, 2003 - 7:20 a.m.

These boys wear their pants down so low that I'm sure the next fashion trend will be to just walk around in your underwear and have your pants dragging around behind you from a rope tied around your waist.

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 8:05 p.m.

"I love this woman!" he cries at the top of his lungs, startling a flock of birds into flight and eliciting stares from passing strangers.

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:57 p.m.

And it was at 11:35 P.M. that I decided that I was not going to Spanish the next day and that I was going to take a hostage with me.

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:53 p.m.

I have realized that high altitudes make me crabby; seriously, anything above about 2500 feet and you might as well just squeeze a lemon on my ass and get out your claw-cracker, 'cos it's a Red-Lobster-style Queen Crabfest in Claudeland

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:50 p.m.

I’m not sure how the coupling progressed after that, but I do know that nothing says “sex me up NOW, you randy bronco” like snaps of drooling toddlers. Best of luck to them in their attempts to further soil the gene pool.

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:47 p.m.


Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:42 p.m.

Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, is it cold in here. I know y'all think that someone in California doesn't have a right to complain about cold, but citizens, hear me out. This. Could happen. To you.

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:41 p.m.

I can kind of see her point of view. I’d get a kick out of watching someone else do that, too. It must be the mean streak in both of us.

Sunday, Nov. 23, 2003 - 7:34 p.m.

Hosted by Diaryland