12% NEWS:

Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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As you can well imagine, I was pretty thrilled by the idea that we finally had a house cat that deigned to catch mice INSIDE the house since Zubby only catches things OUTSIDE the house. Apparently he only likes imported mice and domestic mice are too plebian for his refined palate.

Sunday, Dec. 21, 2003 - 7:20 p.m.

Sounded like a fine idea to me. It would fulfill a virgin experience. I would go into a movie theater and not get smacked in the face with the smell of stale popcorn and rancid butter.

Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 7:52 p.m.

Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 7:46 p.m.

All of this to say, I need new glasses, preferably a pair with durable lenses that will not scream to an officer, "Don't search the trunk!! Don't search the trunk!!"

Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 7:45 p.m.

She was driving me crazy in that I-love-you-but-please-for-the-love-of-God-chill-out kinda way.

Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 7:43 p.m.

He had to be driven to one of the most undesirable neighborhoods man ever did create not counting Elizabeth New Jersey.

Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 7:35 p.m.

“Pretty Girls Nearly Assaulted By Homeless Interloper”

Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 5:04 p.m.

She looks a little hung over, but I refuse to try and straddle the tree again just to adjust her.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 3:17 p.m.

You know, I’ve always thought it a shame that foundation garments are not available in cubic format.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 3:15 p.m.

How one celebrates Hanukkah and how one actually spells Hanukkah, I do not know, but either way, I'm out of here.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 3:10 p.m.

I shouldn’t be sitting here trying to figure out which season finale of Roseanne featured Jackie’s wedding.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:47 a.m.

I'm going to go sip an amaretto on the rocks as I lie on my bed surrounded by my beautiful furniture while gazing at my 2-foot fiber optic Christmas tree.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:41 a.m.

I'm actually a little apprehensive about seeing the damn movie based on my incredibly ridiculous and junior-high-ish reaction over the last one. I mean, it resulted in a life size cardboard cutout of Aragorn living in my office, okay? I mooned over Mr. Doesn't Actually Exist for weeks.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:39 a.m.

Damn, I love me some hot Steven Page/Ed Robertson action.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:28 a.m.

Ok, it is really my fault because I married a science fiction geek. Or, as Esteban might say, cleverly trying to deflect the blame, I am a Ren Faire geek cleverly disguised as a cool person.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:23 a.m.

Plus when you live with a guy you don’t have to worry about lifting the toilet seat and finding what appears to be a murder scene.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:17 a.m.

I apologize profusely for My Hair, circa 1988-1993, especially.

Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 - 8:11 a.m.

If an employee puts on a button-down dress shirt in the forest, does it make a sound?

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 12:59 p.m.

"Why the fuck are you at home in the middle of the day? Don't you understand that I have special times in which I call the house specifically because you're not at home? Shit...you've ruined everything."

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 12:59 p.m.

I keep saying that one day I am going to get control of my tongue but then some nosy bitch makes me forget.

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 10:04 a.m.

I used to sniff paint. Oops, I mean I used to work in a paint store. Oh, I'm funny how I mix words up most hilarious.

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 10:04 a.m.

The cords gave one’s ass a team of makeup artists, choreographers and lighting team to make sure that everything was in soft focus. It took one’s ass from a Ruben Stoddard to a Clay Aiken in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 10:02 a.m.

If you would like to see Jamiestar alive, or at least see an entry, the ransom is 549,700 candy canes and a mug of hot buttered rum, or the cash equivalent.

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 9:51 a.m.

"Let's aim all of our cars at Justin and his stunning passenger and try to hit them so that their smooth, creamy, supple bodies are mangled and as ugly as most of the tourists walking down the street".

Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 - 9:48 a.m.

I'm pretty sure that if I flipped out and punched her in the butt with brass knuckles that I would still break my hand, so she is also awesome in a way that makes entire baskets of kittens crap rainbows of pure joy.

Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 - 10:26 a.m.

Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 - 10:23 a.m.

I don’t know if I want to continue with this – I won’t be able to make fun of anyone ever again.

Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 - 10:21 a.m.

They totally pulled a Spinal Tap reference on their main page. Look!!

Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 - 10:14 a.m.

I think this might be a call for attention, or as the spousal unit so delicately put it, "a piss for help".

Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003 - 10:06 a.m.

I would code it, but that just seems like too much work, so I'm going to just tape it to my monitor and the rest of you can imagine how fucking incredible it looks.

Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 - 8:33 a.m.

I always think cards are such a fun idea and wheeeee for cards, until I write out the first address. Then I remember that because I spent my life in front of a computer I have essentially atrophied the muscles required to hold a damn pen because OW.

Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 - 8:32 a.m.

Another cock I used to know was one of those film-school assholes who will whip out the Truffaut vs. Godard argument at any/every party where it's necessary to impress/give the idea of large intellect/dick, but who, while personally fastidious, was the NASTIEST SLOBBIEST HO in the universe.

Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 - 8:29 a.m.

Nothing like choking on coughs while singing to make you feel like a diva. Oh yes, that's me.

Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 - 8:29 a.m.

I’d like to thank all the little people who made this possible…yes, I’m talking about all the midgets I made fun of along the way. This one’s for you, you freakish little runts!

Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 - 8:26 a.m.

I sweartogawd, squirrels stand up to attention and throw her a snappy salute any time my mom-in-law walks by.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 3:27 p.m.

We’re pretty disgusting, and it’s great.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 3:20 p.m.

I haven't figured out the Spanish word for "skidmark" yet.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 2:56 p.m.

I have more illnesses than the entire Cyanide Gang put together.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 2:53 p.m.

We did the Kylie Minogue cover. I think we scared some folks.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 2:48 p.m.

chicks suck so much ass. i swear, i hate being one sometimes. if only all girls could be as cool as my close friends and Eli's sister, Kaffer.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 2:47 p.m.

Anyway, a month or so back, I got really excited when Mr. Perfect Boss made a simple mistake. The minute I caught it, I launched into my best kindergarten voice and taunted him with a lot of "Nyah-nyah's" followed by a bunch of derogatory name-calling.

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 2:42 p.m.

“Yes, every two months I get sick of it and change it. It’s not hair, it’s performance art.”

Monday, Dec. 15, 2003 - 2:32 p.m.

I inadvertently said something inappropriate when I stared at a lady's chest and said, "Nice top." I meant her shirt, of course, but I think her computer-geek husband and she thought I meant something else.

Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 - 10:11 p.m.

So our President Monkey-Boy did it. Just in time for the presidential elections, he caught Saddam. That aught to win him some votes, and isn't that the point? I think so.

Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 - 10:10 p.m.

I almost pulled out my shank and started cuttin’ bitches with it but soon we were allowed to enter the auditorium…

Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 - 10:07 p.m.

When is someone going to come here and capture Bush?

Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 - 10:05 p.m.

I worked hard to gain that solid inch of growth over the following three year period, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lose it to communism now.

Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 - 10:04 p.m.

Pizza delivery guy shows up, shoot him; neighbor's too loud, shoot him; his friend smiles, shoot him. So basically, Tony's a pretty volatile guy.

Sunday, Dec. 14, 2003 - 9:54 p.m.

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