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This was all a year ago. In the months between 5:37PM that day and now, I often wondered what I would be feeling right now.


Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 11:21 p.m.

I also hope that nobody finds out about all the weird shit that goes on in our mansion after we send the help home for the day. I'm not saying that anything goes down. But if it did, it would be pretty fucking weird.


Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 11:12 p.m.

For his gift, he chooses a little silver bell on the reindeer from Santa's sleigh so he can prove to his friends and everyone at home that Santa really exists.


Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 7:35 p.m.

At the moment I have a beard. I have red hair so it just looks like I have a very dirty face, and there's wine in my pajamas!


Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 7:31 p.m.

At parties where dancing happens, I am more than ready to hijack your Jim Beam and jump up on a table. Oh no, it's true. When the cops broke up our Fourth of July party, who was that hottie in the picture window, belting out "Tiiiiiiin roof! rusted" all obnoxiously, in three seconds immediately after the stereo was silenced, and despite really kind of HATING the B-52s?


Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 7:28 p.m.

In a little while, I'm going to meet Mofo at BB King's Blues Club for a rock Christmas show. The tickets were a gift from Mofo for our anniversary because he knows how much I love going to this show every year.


Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 7:25 p.m.

Some people think I'm always writing about haircuts, but those people would be wrong. Very wrong. Dick Cheney in a bathtub wrong.


Friday, Dec. 12, 2003 - 2:39 p.m.

See, Iím already practicing my lingo! ďFlush the coke down the bog.Ē ďPut the body in the boot.Ē Yep, Iím just about ready to be in a Guy Ritchie film.


Friday, Dec. 12, 2003 - 2:34 p.m.

Tonight you have the opportunity to witness something spectacular. Something so spectacular, that yesterday I briefly considered buying a $500 plane ticket to go to NYC just for the night.


Friday, Dec. 12, 2003 - 2:32 p.m.

The cats are drinking the Christmas tree water like a vampire sucking on a virgin.


Friday, Dec. 12, 2003 - 2:29 p.m.

I don't give cosmetic surgeries much thought, but I'll admit that if I lost a lot of weight and had the excess skin that comes with it, I'd probably get some. No big boobs. Just the tummy tuck.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 11:02 p.m.

What on earth could possibly look stupider than a redhead with a fever? Can you imagine? Answer: A redhead packing wine in his pajamas.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 10:59 p.m.

I think you would have appreciated the visual of me, sprawled on my girl's couch, chain-smoking and feeling sorry for myself. I must have watched the same episode of Sportscenter three times.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 10:58 p.m.

In a blink, we pushed off and started going down the hill. Now, the thing with a toboggan is that itís not a high-tech machine. Itís a curved piece of wood.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 10:49 p.m.

Last night we all went to go see "The Last Samuri" which, as Justin mentioned, was one movie that Tom Cruise no doubt jumped right on because it would be one of very few movies in which he would be taller than all the other actors.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 2:55 p.m.

For the bedroom, we chose the color Mystical Grape. (Yeah, I know, "grape" doesn't exactly sound "mystical.")


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 2:51 p.m.

jessica simpson? could be played by an animate mop. clay aiken? has a freaky, praying-mantis wedgehead. celine dion? HATCHETFACE whose new haircut gives her a distinct resemblance to the Chicken Lady on Kids in the Hall.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 9:23 a.m.

A bystander was recorded as saying, ďIt just went over like a ton of bricks.Ē I love this. Dude: it fucking was a ton of bricks; Iím not sure what else it could go over like. Perhaps you should invest in a new simile.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 9:19 a.m.

Life has a very special way of kicking you in the crotch when youíre already down for the count. Itís beautiful.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 9:17 a.m.

You can just pretend that Iíve been off on a debauched, prohibition-era worthy bender, and chalk it up to my youthful exuberance.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 9:14 a.m.

Since I'm a great fan of the Bulleted List, and I know how you all wet your panties when I post one, here's a More Work To Be Done and Money To Be Spent On The New Home bulleted list:


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 9:12 a.m.

And I'm sitting there trying to watching Ty flex his hammer muscles, wishing she'd just shut the fuck up and leave already, envisioning myself leaping across the room and braining her with my coffee mug.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 8:44 a.m.

Just typing the word Bananarama makes me giddy with happiness. How I overlooked this as a possible cat name, I'll never know.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 8:40 a.m.

Excuse me for a second while I finish climbing up on this cross. Could you hand me that railroad spike and hammer? Thanks.


Thursday, Dec. 11, 2003 - 8:38 a.m.

If it made sense to say so, I would wager that my favorite food is sandwiches.


Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003 - 7:42 a.m.

I am a hack theatre teacher whose most recent acting stint involved screaming in a zombie play. Good times.


Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003 - 7:40 a.m.

I love to meet new people, i am on the varsity cheerleading squad.


Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003 - 7:38 a.m.

The most common scam is the, "I'm returning this book because it wasn't the 'right' one." These books are mostly technical texts like "Learn Java, Real Easy Like!" or grad school exam prep books.


Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003 - 7:37 a.m.

First off, thereís the robitussin. Thousands of teenagers craving a buzz canít be wrong.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 8:20 p.m.

"Hang on, Iíll just get my can of Immigrant-B-Gon, and with a few quick squirts Ė voila! Go forth, young man, and pick lettuce to your heartís content!"


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 8:20 p.m.

I would rather be in my bed talking on the phone with a glass of wine in my pajamas.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 8:15 p.m.

Over the years this somehow evolved into the Freddie Mercury Memorial Invitational Ping Pong Tournament.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 8:11 p.m.

Being nice, she said, was a social condition; we're nice because it is what is expected of us and society demands we act a certain way. To be kind, then, is to do something strictly out of the goodness of your heart.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:46 a.m.

Iím starting to think heís a spy, infiltrating Hollywood under some creepy mass cover-up conspiracy deal: itís the only explanation for Sweet November, which I recently inflicted upon myself. I swear to you, there was nothing else on Ė dear God, I tell you I had no choice.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:45 a.m.

Hey Billy Bob, we done won us the potato-sack race!


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:44 a.m.

When one of them asked what an uncircumcised penis looks like. Rather than explain it aloud or describe it through a series of intricate hand gestures, I opted to draw a picture instead.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:39 a.m.

My diary layout blows some sweaty ass.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:38 a.m.

The sheer volume of tacky, tacky, TACKINESS that was in that building filled me with glee. I could feel it pulsating with all the Forces of Tawdriness.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:34 a.m.

I laughed my ass off for an hour. "A stove!" I shouted. "What the hell kind of Christmas present is that? Real romantic, Mama." That was eight days ago. Now, I'd fucking kill for a new stove.


Tuesday, Dec. 09, 2003 - 10:31 a.m.

Thanks to science I can now produce apple flavored love juice, but personally I won't be satisfied until I can blast out a full three course meal.


Monday, Dec. 08, 2003 - 1:06 p.m.

Iíve spent more time in bed this past week than paris Hilton and hugh hefner combined.


Monday, Dec. 08, 2003 - 1:01 p.m.

I wish I knew how to ask people for help without feeling like a jerk.


Monday, Dec. 08, 2003 - 12:59 p.m.

JB has suffered an attack/flareup/injury that may be, according to various sources: some kind of arthritis (doctor), bulging disk (same doctor), poorly aligned tailbone (chiropractor), sciatica (internet), Various Horrible Maladies Resulting In Ass Amputation (more internet).


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 11:19 p.m.

I decide to go back to Chicago and try to work seasonal job or something for two weeks rather than sit alone and carless in empty apartment hoping to be die in sleep and be eaten by animals.


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 11:17 p.m.

this program could never NEVER touch the students i work with. the joy i gained from learning how to trust by falling backwards onto a pile of hands that wouldn't let me crack my head open would not work with my kids.


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 11:13 p.m.

We've done plenty of down and dirty shit to the point where I'm surprised MORE things haven't happened to us. But I have a feeling that it will somewhere down the like. Karma can be a bitch.


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 11:09 p.m.

"Wait just a second, she is, yes, she could GO ALL THE WA---but NO! Denied! A roadblock presents itself on the highway of slutdom, and Biensoul needs a cold shower after this one. Wait, does that work on girls?"


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 11:08 p.m.

It was a night filled with whiskey shots. My chest is like 200% hairier because of it. Yeah, that's right. I dove right past David Hasselhoff and straight into Robin Williams.


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 11:07 p.m.

It's not my story to tell, but let's say I spent Friday inside a courthouse and outside of a jailhouse.


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 10:46 p.m.

I have a new romance in my life. Itís true and I am going to confess it right here on my diary. I have formed a little relationship with the Mexican guy who delivers my ice coffees from the diner.


Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003 - 10:46 p.m.

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