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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)

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Every time the spousal unit yelled at her, she'd stop briefly and give him a snippy glance as if to say, "Look, can't you see I'm chewing on the spout of this watering can and you're breaking my concentration?"

Saturday, Dec. 06, 2003 - 3:05 p.m.

Yeah, I know, nothing says "exciting" like a bulleted list. Right.

Saturday, Dec. 06, 2003 - 3:03 p.m.

Handless refugee children! Man, in the game of life, they just donít deal out hands (so to speak) much crappier than that. Like, when god was handing out good fortune, these kids were off shoveling the septic tank.

Saturday, Dec. 06, 2003 - 3:01 p.m.

While I was reading and chowing, the female-half walked over and put a brown paper bag on my table. I asked her, "What's this?" She patted my shoulder and said, "It's for you."

Saturday, Dec. 06, 2003 - 2:57 p.m.

Funny how Iím more concerned with guessing the sexual preferences of my classmates than earning a 4.0 this semester. Priorities? I think not.

Friday, Dec. 05, 2003 - 3:35 p.m.

If you threw some mud, stanky teenagers, and chemically-enhanced musicians into it, youíd have Woodstock, man.

Friday, Dec. 05, 2003 - 3:34 p.m.

"I didn't know Homer Simpson spoke French."

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 10:19 p.m.

Maybe they're a bunch of assholes. Maybe they kick puppies. I don't know. But you know what? Michael Jackson is being accused of touching little boys and I'll still listen to "Thriller" and tap my toes.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 10:15 p.m.

I need help. Iím in danger of experiencing cardiac trouble, not to mention permanent unpopularity, if one more misplaced goddamn apostrophe strays within my proofreading range.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 10:11 p.m.

I present it to you not in the hopes that you'll buy me something off of it (although, if you did, I would give you a piggy-back ride for ABSOLUTELY FREE), but rather so that it will give all of you ideas for things that YOU want. I'm a trend-setter.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 10:09 p.m.


Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 10:03 p.m.

I hate December 4th.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 1:20 p.m.

I was a tribal leader and I clubbed him over the head because the way his ass looked in a deerskin made me grunt and jump up and down and I couldnít think until I got some of that.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 1:20 p.m.

Is it just because Spike reminds me of Billy Idol and when I think of Billy Idol I feel the great need to gyrate my hips slowly while moaning and sloshing a glass of wine all down the front of my flimsy, low-cut blouse as I rub a poster of Billy on my groin and grunting "rock MY cradle of luv baybeeeeeeeee UH uh UH!!!"

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 1:10 p.m.

If there is one thing I can live without for the rest of my days, it is the Smell of Dick Cheney.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 1:09 p.m.

Good thing Iím not the type that tries to win popularity contests.

Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 - 1:04 p.m.

There is something that enters my bloodstream when I walk into the gym, something that makes me want to pound my chest and make territorial gorilla sounds.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 3:41 p.m.

Stupid idiot monster offspring. I still don't even know what to say.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 1:39 p.m.

Nice but for this fact: BOY FUNK.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 1:38 p.m.

I don't care how much you want to logic away your fears, there is nothing good enough to convince you that a freaky blood-stained chick isn't hiding in your automobile to fuck with you.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 1:33 p.m.

Thanksgiving was nice. It was like a Civil War battlefield, with lots of people laying around.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:32 a.m.

The Universe. I swear. If my drunken mama hadnít raised me better, Iíd totally pop a cap in its ass.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:27 a.m.

What I need is a glass of wine, a long soak in the tub, and maybe a vigorous session of Chewbacca. Lucky for me, I think I can get all three tonight.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:26 a.m.

Today was like the ass end of an alligator: it was long, and it dragged.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:25 a.m.

I'm in a great fucking mood today! (See, I curse when I'm happy, too.)

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:20 a.m.

I'll also surgically implant little jingle-bells into my fingertips, and wear a candycane watch to complete the ensemble, and I will be the belle of the ball.

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:19 a.m.

Oh, man, look, it has a camera on it. It has a fucking camera! I can take a picture of you and assign it to your number, and then when you call me, I'll see your picture on my phone and say, "Oh, look, it's so-and-so! I'm totally not answering this."

Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 - 11:15 a.m.

Iím writing this on the plane and I swear to christ Iím sitting next to rosemaryís baby.

Tuesday, Dec. 02, 2003 - 11:10 a.m.

He makes mouth whoopee with the guy one time and suddenly thinks theyíre soul mates. If thatís the case, Iíve been soul mates with my dog for years.

Tuesday, Dec. 02, 2003 - 11:10 a.m.

He stuck his head in my cubicle, paused, and said, ďNice shirt.Ē I hope thatís office-speak for ďNice rack,Ē or Iím going to have to do some serious sulking.

Tuesday, Dec. 02, 2003 - 11:07 a.m.

Does this mean God is a slacker?

Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 - 4:31 p.m.

Wasn't that great? The possibilities are endless. Will I have to kill a man to get the vest on Polly? Or will I just have to give the bird a cracker? You don't know. But you're dying to find out!

Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 - 4:30 p.m.

Well, it turned out that K had a crush on me before we even knew one another, but it was the way I sang Slayer's "Chemical Warfare" that day we met on the Statue that really won his heart. Isn't that sweet?

Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 - 4:24 p.m.

I donít think Iíll ever use my drill. I just think I look really hot holding one. I like to accessorize.

Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 - 4:21 p.m.

For example, I passed a "meat wholesaler" where "cows foot" was only 79 cents a pound!

Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 - 4:16 p.m.

I'll just say it out loud and get it out of the way.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:50 p.m.

Momís black Pekingnese hurtles off the floor onto my lap. Mo exclaims that we must stop laughing or weíll excite the dog and heíll pee on my lap.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:49 p.m.

I spent most of the evening wishing I could lance my face and let all the snot and congestion drain out.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:44 p.m.

The next day, my lady friend and I celebrated our own Thanksgiving, since she was working on the big day. She chopped up our Halloween pumpkin, which was bigger than the devil himself, and baked us a pumpkin pie.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:42 p.m.

Yes. I stand by the assertion that (soy) milk just tastes better out of the carton, AND, by doing the entirety of my milk consumption standing next to the open refrigerator sucking like a (tofu) calf from a cardboard teat, I am saving dishes, which I think is very grown-up indeed.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:37 p.m.

all i know is i was sitting there making these amazing points about how noble it would be if a presidential candidate just said "you know what, as a man, i really don't think i can make any call on abortion" and the next minute, eli was holding my hair back at his parents toilet.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:35 p.m.

I also have to give props to the turkey bag. The freaky plastic bag that seals in moisture yet somehow doesn't melt and make your turkey taste like one big horrible Shrinky-Dink.

Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 10:29 p.m.

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