12% Beer - Funny Like A Drunk Monkey

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Hi Beermates,
So I've been running some banner ads for the next few weeks. So far the Party Animals banner is coming in first with Attention Whore second and Tammy Faye and Alice Cooper a close third. Really, it could be anyone's game! To check out the oh so exciting banner race: log in, go to Gold Members Resources and hit Run or View Banner ads. (But please don't run anymore right now, k babycakes?)
--KFK

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I actually thought of a new career today when I was out for a walk. A Cat Whisperer. I talk to Guardcat all the time through various means, so why not make money from it?

2007-03-31 - 11:48 p.m.

I�m nothing if not scientifically fascinating!

03.31.2007 - 11:29 a.m.

Sometimes when I�m stressed I�ll walk around like that little kid in the movie saying �Redrum, redrum, redrum�.

2007-03-30 - 10:35 p.m.

If you're looking for a novel alternative to a chocolate rabbit to place in your beloved's Easter basket, I have an idea.

March 30, 2007 - 3:21 p.m.

Sadly, I didn�t return to zombie chasing with the boys, but instead went somewhere between a nightmare about shopping at Nordstrom�s and riding the Max and living in a place where I couldn�t breathe unless I was laughing.

03.30.07 - 12:12 p.m.

Jumbo sperm or killer sea animal?

Mar. 30, 2007 - 11:21 a.m.

Friday, Mar. 30, 2007 - 8:15 a.m.

I'd punch you, but I can't wait.

03.30.07 - 4:54 a.m.

Today when I went out my front door to go to the store, there was one of my landlord�s famous post-it notes. He is unable to actually knock on my front door and tell me something. He must communicate via post-it notes, like we work in some huge corporate office and are unable to communicate in any other way.

2007-03-29 - 10:49 p.m.

�I think you should have the last name, Fuck-Ya�ll-Mother Fuckers. It has a nice ring to it. Hi, I�m Athena Fuck-Ya�ll-Mother Fuckers.�

03.29.07 - 3:06 p.m.

Acquire enough mental frustration (and exhibit it correctly), and you just may get kicked out of the Army.

Thursday, Mar. 29, 2007 - 11:41 p.m.

Fred and Ethel are the time management specialists of the bird world.

Thursday, Mar. 29, 2007 - 3:22 p.m.

Little girls are taking their baby dolls to an actual, physical, non-pretend "doll salon" and pay real money to have a "doll stylist" give their doll a new hairdo. I'm fucking for real.

Mar. 29, 2007 - 9:02 a.m.

Or is it more like that really creepy kind of skin eating, the kind of eating the skin that you peel off after a sunburn?

Thursday, Mar. 29, 2007 - 8:14 a.m.

Geeks of Doom

stuff by geeks, about geeks, for geeks.

03.28.07 - 9:29 p.m.

Aliens stole my brain and are holding it ransom for 100,000 strawberry pop tarts.

2007-03-28 - 2:23 p.m.

You know you�ve really made it in life when you live in a house with a name.

03.28.07 - 6:46 p.m.

And now I defy you to not sing that happy little They Might Be Giants ditty.

Wednesday, Mar. 28, 2007 - 10:01 a.m.

03.28.07 - 4:45 a.m.

Because as of the moment I�m sure there are at least a hundred teenage girls in therapy somewhere in the US because they were hoping to find him online, and got my site instead.

03.27.07 - 3:53 p.m.

2007-03-27 - 12:07 a.m.

I have this muscle in the front of my thigh that I didn�t know I had before

03.26.07 - 4:48 p.m.

I bring you: The First Kiss of Spring

March 26, 2007 - 2:36 p.m.

Hubster: I didn�t sleep too well.
Valkyrie: Why not?
Hubster: The car.
Valkyrie: What about the car?
Hubster: Dear god, what did I do?

Monday, Mar. 26, 2007 - 8:44 a.m.

Luckily, we have been told that the water is now back on, but still -- "until further notice" is not a phrase you ever want to see when personal hygiene is involved.

Monday, Mar. 26, 2007 - 12:48 a.m.

twenty other people in the coffee shop who were watching me with mixed expressions of sympathy and disgust as I blew my nose on a paper napkin.

03.25.07 - 2:41 p.m.

I looked around to see if anyone else noticed but they were too busy reading old magazines or taking care of their post nasal drip.

2007-03-24 - 11:42 p.m.

Today is Shutdown Day, but I am a Golfwidowist and do not celebrate that. If you do, I'll see you tomorrow.

03.24.07 - 2:23 p.m.

And as I said to that girl, if that isn't love, I don't know what is.

Saturday, Mar. 24, 2007 - 11:03 a.m.

England may not be the world�s fashion pinnacle, but at least people who wear track suits outside of sporting events are treated as social pariahs.

03.24.07 - 11:33 a.m.

If you're feeling unmotivated--today or any day--take a page from my personal book of success.

March 23, 2007 - 4:39 p.m.

He called himself "Do" and his co-leader "Ti" (apparently Re, Mi, Fa, So and La are still on the loose somewhere).

Friday, Mar. 23, 2007 - 8:48 a.m.

Some people swear by chiropractors but I've always been skeptical. The first one I ever saw tried to pull my head off me like a tick.

2007-03-22 - 11:12 p.m.

I am not security, but I just kinda get dragged into that sorta thing because I'm a big guy, but I'm a lover not a fighter. I'm much better at bruising someone's ego because of a few sharp comments then punching them repeatedly in the face.

2007-03-22 - 11:11 p.m.

There was a really good line in there about chicken too.

2007-03-22 - 11:09 p.m.

I love the fact that this is a buttfest. Come and join me in the festival of the butts!! Buttfest Forever!!

2007-03-22 - 11:07 p.m.

�I dunno. But I just felt my uterus give a funny little flutter.�

03.22.07 - 3:19 p.m.

Riverdance this Norman Bates.

2007-03-22 - 3:52 p.m.

I know that there is an important lesson in this for me, like I should be nice to retarded kids, because they're people too.

March 22, 2007 - 12:18 p.m.

�Rodents of Unusual Size? I don�t believe they exist.�
�Scram, you moustache-wearin mostly-dead fencin� honky!�

Thursday, Mar. 22, 2007 - 8:34 a.m.

�He has a monkey! It�s a medically trained monkey. It can dial 911. What it tells them, I�m not sure��

03.21.2007 - 3:16 p.m.

I'm not sure I've completely wrapped my mind around "Loving Jesus."

Mar. 21, 2007 - 2:16 p.m.

the shocker in my sleep was not that I was naked and wailing on my best friend with a pillow that was spewing feathers � the shocker was that I was married

03.21.07 - 2:08 p.m.

"Dude, did I leave my legs at your house last night?"

Wednesday, Mar. 21, 2007 - 9:38 a.m.

I remember somewhere in, I think, Wyoming. We were in the moving van, and both realized we had to pee like a couple of motherfuckers.

03.21.07 - 2:15 a.m.

I just want to cuddle with someone and talk all night. Oh My God! Mary! What�s happening to me? What�s wrong with me?

03.20.07 - 2:12 p.m.

Can you actually see my hair from where you�re sitting? Because it�s huge. I look like Brian May.

March 20, 2007 - 11:52 a.m.

Nora gazed rhapsodically at her new fidgeta jacobean. In her estimation, her life was now complete.

2007-03-20 - 11:37 a.m.

Cooking, Eating, Repotting

03.19.07 - 8:49 p.m.

Slim Fast for breakfast. Chocolate Porter Torte for lunch at McMenamin�s Kennedy School. Good Plan.

03.19.07 - 2:44 p.m.

In particular, I don't like rejecting people. It's my one weakness. I can tell someone off for being an asshole, reject non-fashionable clothing from across the room even if my best friend picked it out for me and I have no problem debating politics or personal ideologies, but when someone extends themselves to me it's hard to decline the offer. Even when that offer is completely unappealing.

Mar. 19, 2007 - 2:10 p.m.

I think we can all agree that I don't need any help getting to the I Will Cut A Bitch level.

Monday, Mar. 19, 2007 - 1:49 p.m.

The only reasons I don�t do the wacky weed anymore is because:

1) It�s still stupidly illegal
2) I already have a weight problem and I really can�t afford to be snacking like that

Monday, Mar. 19, 2007 - 9:22 a.m.

See, the Pay Per Post people made a video that called me out. I had to respond in kind...

03.18.07 - 6:56 p.m.

It was then that I saw the title of the book he was clutching to his chest � �The Anxiety and Phobia�s Workbook.�

03.17.07 - 9:42 p.m.

It's just that the mag, conceptually, encapsulates a whole bunch of things that I'd like to remove from my life. At this point you could be thinking, "um, then don't read it, self-righteous moron," and you'd be completely right to think that.

2007-03-17 - 3:35 p.m.

He asked how did he know I wasn�t going to poison them, or more specifically him (and by now, I had so many reasons!) and I told them because they were both too heavy to dispose of, especially since they both had been eating donuts he had brought.

2007-03-17 - 4:31 p.m.

Here's to Heinz beans, butter, and honey.
— Traditional Irish toast

03.17.07 - 3:00 p.m.

Jesus loves the �sex-obsessed rock star� and you equally.

March 16, 2007 - 3:30 p.m.

Ew! Nipple foot!

Mar. 16, 2007 - 1:35 p.m.

E.coli has an exit strategy.

Friday, Mar. 16, 2007 - 8:51 a.m.

Never tell a guy he's right, otherwise there will be no living with him.

2007-03-16 - 10:45 a.m.

Alas, I made the top ten finalists � but not the top three

03.15.07 - 5:02 p.m.

I know I said I wasn't going to blog about exercise because it's boring, but I am compelled to share that the gym fills me with fellow-feeling--especially on the track, where I'm spending most of my gym-time lately. You get a whole microcosm of humanity there, PLUS what I like to call "strong looks," e.g., a middle-aged dude in like plaid cotton shorts and a long-sleeved shirt and a fanny pack and knee socks and a full beard shuffling around for a half-mile.

2007-03-15 - 5:42 p.m.

I have run out of things to write about. Here is a video of a cat attacking a reporter. The best part is when she cries.

Mar. 15, 2007 - 2:03 p.m.

In his heart, Binky is a lion. A tiny, cranky lion with evident memory problems, but a lion nonetheless.

Thursday, Mar. 15, 2007 - 12:12 p.m.

Urine. The ocean is filled with urine, and urine is salty. Don�t believe me? Grab a juice glass, take a whiz, and drink up. Salty, isn�t it?

03.15.07 - 6:28 a.m.

Soon, I will be able to control and govern my powers, putting them to their proper use, where they will glean me free jewels and car washes.

March 14, 2007 - 4:41 p.m.

Back in red I hit the bed

March 14, 2007 - 12:28 p.m.

Sir, yes, Sir!

Wednesday, Mar. 14, 2007 - 8:04 a.m.

Several folks expressed concern last week about some of my posts being a tad�violent. Geez, you speculate about how cool it would be to take human life and right away people want to set you up in therapy�

2007-03-14 - 3:19 a.m.

I tried on shoes this Sunday for shits and grins and found myself towering above the shoe department in so frighteningly a manner that I felt like GOZIRRA, SHE-BEAST OF PLATFORMS. *stomp stomp stomp* *screaming villagers*

2007-03-14 - 3:16 a.m.

It feels like someone punched me in the butt. There was probably a good reason why I was told to take it easy. Why won't I listen?

2007-03-14 - 3:12 a.m.

SO THEIR FAINT SIDE GLANCE AT ME IS REALLY SAYING, DON�T EVEN THINK ABOUT FLOORING IT BITCH, SINCE I�M WAY BETTER LOOKING THAN YOU AND I HAVE WAY MORE SEX THAN YOU�LL EVER DREAM OF AND WE VACATION EVERY SUMMER OVER IN FRANCE WITH JOHNNY DEPP.

2007-03-14 - 1:22 a.m.

"You were teaching a class wearing ninja gear. I tried to see your face, but you cut me with your sword. It hurt. I bled bacon grease. You... (I forget the rest)"

March 13, 2007 - 4:44 p.m.

Oh, and my sincerest apologies also, to Mr. Orlando Bloom, for the slanderous and obscene use of his personal name and internet images. I will endeavor to be honest henceforth about the status of my relationship with the 6� cardboard cutout of Legolas, and ensure that no one I speak with makes the erroneous assumption that Mr. Bloom is in any way aware of or accepting of the unconventional use of his merchandise.

03.13.07 - 12:30 p.m.

How can anyone expect our species to create peace on an entire planet when we can't even agree on who gets to carry a banner down Main Street?

03.13.07 - 6:15 a.m.

For real, I'm not even going to go into any more detail about this "job" because I think elaborating on such blatant retardity would send me into the sort of tizzy that results in buildings being destroyed.

Tuesday, Mar. 13, 2007 - 3:41 a.m.

This whole working thing is tough, I really don't know how you people do it.

03.12.07 - 11:11 p.m.

Here is my dilemma. I am the designated show off, as usual. I need to dress like an alien and entertain the peeps with my rapier wit and some snappy patter. All we have so far is that Mrs. Fab is going to paint my face and bald head green. Oh, and I have a ray gun.

03.12.07 - 11:08 p.m.

We unpacked our remaining boxes and have started buying furniture. Real furniture. Not something that would look good in a post college pad alongside a velvet Hendrix hanging, a pyramid of beer cans, or a mantle filled with children's dolls twisted into performing obscene acts.

03.12.07 - 11:05 p.m.

Since the photo theme there seems to be nudity, I�m the one holding the sign that says �No boobs, just blog.�

2007-03-12 - 10:57 p.m.

"What's in a name?
That which we call a rose

By any other word would smell as sweet."

Monday, Mar. 12, 2007 - 8:48 p.m.

Then we discovered the stains on the underside of the top coverlet.

Monday, Mar. 12, 2007 - 10:31 a.m.

I was happy. I was dying.

03.11.07 - 5:22 p.m.

Nothing better happen to Robin Zander, or it's gonna get really ugly up in here.

03.11.07 - 12:07 p.m.

The painting has to have a subject matter of, but not limited to naked women with enormous breasts, space aliens, sexual acts of unusual natures, robots, taxidermy, autopsy photos of dead presidents/movie stars, or maybe even kittens with dresses. I mean its pretty open, but it has to be something Tim Burton would have liked before he went Hollywood.

2007-03-10 - 10:38 p.m.

I want to go to sleep now so I can wake up and eat.

03.09.07 - 11:33 p.m.

Today was one of those days � custom made, for dancing naked in the rain.

03.09.07 - 12:39 p.m.

What is that thing? None can say, but there it is, with its staring eyes and wide, toothy grin.

March 09, 2007 - 12:09 p.m.

Have you handled monkeys or monkey fluids in the last six months?

Thursday, Mar. 08, 2007 - 11:13 p.m.

I literally just hit the floor here at work, and this is not some irresponsible use of the term "literally" by which I actually mean "figuratively."

March 08, 2007 - 4:54 p.m.

"ALL RIGHT!" Uncle Sam said, exasperatedly. "You are allowed to have tattoos pretty anywhere you fucking please, except your head or face. Or hands. But we're willing to make some exceptions for hands. Are you happy now? Will you PLEASE join the Army? Pretty please?"

Thursday, Mar. 08, 2007 - 5:22 p.m.

What what in the butt? I think I've played that game before. (now see the video!)

Mar. 08, 2007 - 10:59 a.m.

Professional Art Guy asked me to hand feed him a carrot. Woo! I don't think he knew that I was suffering from an illness just one peg down from the bubonic plague.

2007-03-08 - 1:19 p.m.

They're the same way with the telephone. "When has anyone ever called you?" I ask them and they just blink at me all enigmatically and it makes me wonder what they really do when I'm a work.

2007-03-07 - 11:29 p.m.

Is it an earthquake, or merely a shock? Am I experiencing bad PMS, or should I go buy a Glock?

March 07, 2007 - 5:01 p.m.

I�m the Auntie that everyone talks about while rolling their eyes

03.07.07 - 3:33 p.m.

I'm a bit sore from what I call the abs-dominator. It's a weighted reverse crunch machine that looks like the sort of contraption you'd expect to find in an S&M dungeon. You lie flat on your back, strap yourself in and -- with the attached weight around your ankles -- hoist your legs up in the air. Seriously gay.

Mar. 07, 2007 - 11:52 a.m.