12% Beer - Funny Like A Drunk Monkey

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Much love to ScotValkyrie for making sure Twelve Percent Beer is golden for the next two years. Yes, you heard right, two whole frickin' years. Now go over there and lick her high heeled shoes, because you know you want to. Mwah!
--KFK

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There’s a lot of lofty sniffing and throwing-out of the chest—highly unpleasant, especially in someone who physically resembles Colonel Sanders.

February 28, 2007 - 3:30 p.m.

This is a psychological concept called belief perseverance. It is term used to express beliefs that are unreasonably resistant to change, despite evidence to the contrary.

Feb. 28, 2007 - 2:12 p.m.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Fuck off.

02.28.07 - 10:44 a.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2007 - 8:09 a.m.

Let’s see, achy body, moving to a new office, JLo ...

02.28.07 - 8:45 a.m.

I was lying on my bed a couple of weeks ago when I heard muffled mewing. I looked up, and there I saw tiny feet protruding from the ceiling. Since I don’t drop acid, I figured that this was not good.

2007-02-28 - 1:27 a.m.

Holy bat guano Batman! I was in the freaking paper.

2007-02-27 - 6:34 p.m.

Bob Schneider was not in the building last night.

02.27.07 - 1:56 p.m.

I nearly jumped out of the chair and smacked my head on the ceiling. I'm in my thirties (still) don't old people get cataracts? I don't have a walker, a garden weasel or shake my fist and tell kids to get off my lawn. Why am I getting cataracts?

2007-02-27 - 1:31 a.m.

My sex drive is as big as the Pacific Ocean, yet I don't want to get wet. Sounds kind of contradictory to me.

2007-02-26 - 11:28 p.m.

Want to hear something nefarious? There are cookie-peddling Girl Scouts posted at the doorway of the YWCA.

2007-02-26 - 9:59 p.m.

How arrogant we are, aren't we? We all think we're special with a direct link to God, and only we can save mankind. Ok, maybe not "we all", but I know I do.

02.26.07 - 4:25 p.m.

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, whatever you need to tell yourself," I smirked, and we both laughed.

Monday, Feb. 26, 2007 - 5:07 p.m.

Nothing says “American” more than Nazi ties, I reckon.

Monday, Feb. 26, 2007 - 10:31 a.m.

Not that I would necessarily be crowned the queen, but like duh, why wouldn't I be?

2007-02-25 - 4:24 p.m.

2007-02-25 - 1:28 p.m.

It totally helped that my instructor was a dreamy New Zealander who charmed me with his accent and his totally nerdy/sexy tight pants (he dresses right as opposed to left and yes, I did casually look but it was only because his crotch was at my eye level when sitting, I swear!).

2007-02-25 - 1:25 p.m.

Have you ever noticed that sugared cereal mascots all appear to be smoking the crack or locked into some alternately-induced state of hyperactive psychosis?

2007-02-25 - 1:20 p.m.

Somehow I attract these emails the way the Mom attracts stray cats. You feed one hungry kitty and suddenly you can't open a can of fucking peaches without everyone begging for tuna.

02.24.07 - 6:25 a.m.

Welcome to Triangulation Acres, home of the rhetorical question.

February 23, 2007 - 2:48 p.m.

I keep telling everyone that I’m 90% thinned and 5 centimeters dilated - it’s time, whether I’m ready or not.

02.23.07 - 12:03 p.m.

I guess it's not surprising that a futuristic dystopian government punishes a transgressive woman and lets an equally transgressive man go free, but my GOD don't we have enough of those narratives already?

2007-02-23 - 11:02 a.m.

Friday, Feb. 23, 2007 - 8:09 a.m.

That's got to make my colon party central, eh?

Friday, Feb. 23, 2007 - 9:08 a.m.

I noticed this merely in passing. Because when an instructor is cute and refers to exclamation points as "shrieks," you might check out his package a little when he walks over to check your progress.

02.23.07 - 9:00 a.m.

I have, as Madonna would say, made it through the wilderness.

Feb. 22, 2007 - 6:52 p.m.

They’ve been staring out there all day waiting for the interlopers to leave.

02.22.07 - 3:21 p.m.

I grew up on a small island that was once a Native American burial ground.

2007-02-22 - 11:00 a.m.

Well, bless his heart, but I considered Warhol a hack. Really. A hack of gigantic masturbatory proportions.

Thursday, Feb. 22, 2007 - 10:14 a.m.

I’m not sure if this was some kind of covert yet professional flirt meant to make a nearly 50 year old female client swoon in the presence of the man she would soon be naked with. Oh, I mean under the sheets with. I mean...heh, at this point, I’m actually pretty impervious to all flirtations involving massage therapists.

2007-02-22 - 1:05 a.m.

Poetry is passion… short term, blinding hot and satisfying… without the awkward next morning goodbye…

02.21.07 - 9:35 p.m.

The thing is this: Babymomma and her Shiny Happiness must be preserved. She is the Childlike Empress of our division.

Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2007 - 8:35 p.m.

“First rule of fight club. Don’t talk about fight club.”

02.21.07 - 2:07 p.m.

2007-02-21 - 1:52 p.m.

“These people couldn’t get laid at a blind retard convention. Come to think of it, hang on a minute…I think this is a blind retard convention!”

02.21.07 - 8:20 p.m.

Her mother would later remark that “she was a really solid baby, like an Eskimo”.

Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2007 - 7:19 a.m.

I think it would have been really cool, and would have made the Bible that much more interesting, if the Antichrist had lived at the same time that Christ did.

02.21.07 - 5:50 a.m.

”Whatever happened to the day when a human being like myself is rewarded with a certificate of appreciation/recognition?”

February 20, 2007 - 11:00 p.m.

Oh, if only I was a ventriloquist. You have no idea how desperately I wish I could make my sphincter announce, "All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up."

Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2007 - 7:33 p.m.

Rainbow over the Hood River Toll Bridge Sunday afternoon.

02.20.07 - 12:03 p.m.

Yowza!

Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2007 - 11:46 a.m.

2007-02-20 - 12:26 a.m.

It is difficult for him to sword fight without the correct outfit on.

2007-02-19 - 3:00 p.m.

I don't know, maybe it's because I never thought he really took full advantage of all that wisdom of Solomon.

02.19.07 - 11:26 a.m.

Are we no longer churning out bitter hung-over photosensitive unshaven heavy metal sneering lurching beer guzzlers in favor of peppy bow-head coffee over-achiever double-shot-lactose-free Justin Timberlake 00-blade-shorn-faced hip stubble new car driving simps?

Crap!

Monday, Feb. 19, 2007 - 9:06 a.m.

Anna Nicole's death kind of hit me hard and I wasn't really sure why. The only thing that we have in common is our age (she's a tad older) and we're both blonde *wink wink*.

2007-02-19 - 1:22 a.m.

Hi, I'm Britney Spears. I need to be naked. I need sympathy. I need painkillers. I need love. I need to snort cocaine off Justin Timberlake's ass.

2007-02-18 - 12:18 a.m.

It really doesn't have much of a scent, a little bit like glue but I'd prefer a mixture of rose, jasmine, neroli, amber and patchouli, but that's just me.

2007-02-17 - 9:18 p.m.

Who here has not contemplated head-shaving, outside of pure necessity, that is?

2007-02-17 - 8:37 p.m.

In my head, sometimes I sing Heidi's name as "Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Heidi-Hi," to the tune of the Irish drinking song from Whose Line.

02.17.07 - 8:51 a.m.

Are you afraid to live next door to a cemetery?

02.17.07 - 7:34 a.m.

Isn't anathema a delightful word?

02.16.07 - 11:28 p.m.

On an entirely unrelated note, I notice I clench my little sphincter shut when I'm stressed.

02.16.07 - 11:24 p.m.

I sort of had to stop there, because I didn’t know what else to say. I had no complaints about you. The only thing that occasionally irritates me about you is that you occasionally snore, and God, if that’s all I can find to bitch about after six months then I suppose I can consider myself a lucky person indeed. I can, and I do.

02.16.07 - 11:21 p.m.

The lesson, ladies and gents, is that I want some of those shoes that have spikes on them.

February 16, 2007 - 9:04 p.m.

I didn't say anything, because who wants to say, "Gee, I didn't want to mention this, but there's kinda some translucent people walking down your stairs. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!"

2007-02-16 - 8:35 p.m.

What’s that? I’m sorry—my martial stepping and head-banging carried me out of the immediate range of your voice.

February 16, 2007 - 11:54 a.m.

Basically, be kind to bats.

02.16.07 - 9:06 a.m.

Mwahahahahahaaaaa! I call it Devious Parenting. I'll be taking orders for my book, Trick Them Into Complacency: Who Needs Ridlin?

February 16, 2007 - 6:44 AM

A first-time high off an office supply product is one thing; a resulting hospital visit is quite another.

Feb. 15, 2007 - 4:34 p.m.

I’m sore everywhere - except where it’s fun to be sore

02.15.07 - 2:51 p.m.

...I just meant he could drop me off with an ice chest of Diet Coke under a palm tree by the ocean and let me watch all the guys walk by in Speedos. That's all.

2007-02-15 - 3:40 p.m.

We have a small supply of Ritter Sport at the moment, owing to the Brit's stint in Deutschland, and I suggested that since it is "sport" chocolate it would be very appropriate for the treadmill. What? It's an energy bar, kind of.

2007-02-15 - 2:31 p.m.

A Rolling Metal Tit with Guns Approaching Nuclear Tits that are Expressing Lethal Steam.

Thursday, Feb. 15, 2007 - 9:33 a.m.

In my defense, the bear did come along with an iPod!

02.15.07 - 7:59 a.m.

you couldn't see tens of thousands of giddy-ass net nerds signing up for this?

02.14.07 - 9:25 p.m.

But I’m sure it’s like riding a bicycle, right? Except with…paper.

02.14.2007 - 5:52 p.m.

His girlfriend spread the word that she couldn’t stand me because she hated my perfume. I spread the word that she shouldn’t worry, because she’d never be able to afford it.

February 14, 2007 - 1:37 p.m.

When I got to work, I found that I had little ice rocks in my coat pockets and tote bag.

02.14.07 - 1:41 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2007 - 8:20 a.m.

(angst runs in the family)

2007-02-14 - 1:05 a.m.

Before you start to think that I've been spending my time wallowing in a sea of depression and manual labor, I should probably tell you about the giant chalupa.

Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2007 - 9:14 p.m.

What I ordered :: What was received

2007-02-13 - 5:10 p.m.

One thing I’m trying to get over today is my deep desire to create a stockpile [of snowballs] so that I can attack the public school kids as they come off of the bus, which is right on my corner.

2007-02-13 - 5:05 p.m.

No, seriously, it’s well documented: Other bands play, Manowar kills. Go look it up.

02.13.07 - 8:48 a.m.

I could not resist taking another stab at tarnishing your precious memories of such a sweet and innocent show. That’s just who I am. Arguably, I can’t control myself.

02.13.07 - 6:33 a.m.

So Woofterstl has declared today as "Show-Us-Your-Specs" Day where as anyone who wheres glasses posts a picture of themselves wearing said glasses.

2007-02-12 - 11:00 p.m.

He measured the size out in his hands while his pet crocodile tried to have carnal relations with the tip of his shoe. That is, if your version of carnal relations include a humping motion and a biting and tearing motion.

2007-02-12 - 4:23 p.m.

I am hereby free of the Utah bubble, free of the obligation to remember lost innocence

02.12.07 - 1:23 p.m.

My colleague reported seeing children making snowmen and snow angels in the park near her house. “Yikes! In London?” I said. “More like shit angels.”

02.12.07 - 7:27 p.m.

If tuberculosis didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have opera.

Monday, Feb. 12, 2007 - 8:28 a.m.

02.12.07 - 8:52 a.m.

Midget monkeys on the loose! DO NOT attempt to apprehend!

02.12.07 - 5:08 a.m.

Instead of bringing him battery cables, I accidently brought him a power bar with a surge protector. He looked at it briefly and said, “Oh, that’s okay, I think I have some” and then I looked down and realized, witty, just because it has a long black cord, doesn’t mean its a battery cable. Oy!

2007-02-12 - 12:08 a.m.

on Presidents day I hope to run around Portland and hug everyone! Extra points for random strangers with Sponge Bob boxers and multiple facial piercings.

02.11.07 - 5:03 p.m.

I look forward to doing price checks by stuffing the item into my pants and calling out a random price.

02.11.07 - 6:40 a.m.

Nothing like a dead star to detract from live astronauts.

02.10.07 - 5:02 a.m.

Yeah, who knew I was so Martha Stewart.

2007-02-10 - 1:22 a.m.

Simply because, Mr. Manning, you don't know how it feels.

February 09, 2007 - 9:02 pm

Recently he was making fun of her and telling her that making art was easy. So she handed him a magazine that she was flipping through and said "Fine, make art out of this." (NSW Boobies!)

02.09.07 - 5:48 p.m.

From there I remind him who I am and his response was "Oh... OH I remember you now haha" to which I replied "You dork". It's a fine art this seduction is. I thought to myself that this is a fine start if we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

02.09.07 - 5:42 p.m.

I had not yet learned of a thing called passive-aggression, but I felt the current of resentment that seasoned every dish.

February 09, 2007 - 4:16 p.m.

Without the public accolades there's no point in being charitable, just ask Oprah. Oh yes, I took it there girlfriend.

Feb. 09, 2007 - 2:05 p.m.

But he could do the Cordero run in 3 parsecs!

Friday, Feb. 09, 2007 - 9:13 a.m.

Instead, I'm going to leave you with this wonderful little video someone sent me of your Mom. FUNBAGS!

February 09, 2007 - 7:17 AM

He had evidently been sleeping in his tux pants and shirt, which I submit most people do not do until they are old enough to get drunk and pass out after a wedding, or prom.

2007-02-08 - 11:27 p.m.

I completely underestimated the power of carbonation.

2007-02-08 - 7:15 p.m.

Ok, with this one, I have to follow my typical first-response: conspiracy.

02.08.07 - 5:20 p.m.

But I must say, my pubic hair is just totally rocking today!

2007-02-08 - 2:46 p.m.

Oh, my Hubster hates this song, uh-huh
Oh, my Hubster hates this song, uh-huh
Oh, my Hubster hates this song,
But he has got a big fat dong,
That is why I sing this song, uh-huh

Thursday, Feb. 08, 2007 - 7:39 a.m.

February 08, 2007 - 8:49 AM