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I want MTV to start showing videos all the time again, like when we were kids. I mean, it was something that you could count on, the videos on MTV. It’s why I can go into great detail about the overtones in Thriller, but couldn’t tell you what any of the Blink 182 videos look like.

Saturday, Jan. 01, 2005 - 5:09 p.m.

At midnight I was finally able to drink some champagne. I woke up with a killer headache and am not really sure why.

Saturday, Jan. 01, 2005 - 2:32 p.m.

The bride was an omni-spiritual angel. The groom, an atheist superhero. (Seriously, the man has saved old ladies from oncoming traffic, and children from burning buildings.)

Saturday, Jan. 01, 2005 - 5:40 a.m.

It's very disconcerting when a cute boy is talking to you and you have a neurotic pitt bull on a leash in one hand, and a plastic shopping bag of aforementioned pit bull's freshly steaming poop in the other.

Friday, Dec. 31, 2004 - 2:24 p.m.

I sweartogawd, the original design of that exercise bike's seat was used at the Spanish Inquisition.

Friday, Dec. 31, 2004 - 11:03 a.m.

Have a safe New Year's everybody, and save some Cristal for me...unfortunately this year I can only afford Crystal Light .

Friday, Dec. 31, 2004 - 4:43 a.m.

Every year I make New Year's Resolutions and every year I fail to make all of them. It's kind of depressing. So this year I decided that I'm only going to make resolutions that I absolutely know that I can keep.

1. I will drink copious amounts of red wine.
2. I resolve to use my breasts to get more attention...

Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 9:55 p.m.


So I did. I made the resolution. I swore a blood oath on the future graves of my parents that I would have a bigger penis at some point over the next 365 days of the year 2005.

Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 6:18 p.m.

While adult diapers absorb many things, I'm here to tell you smell ain't one of them. I have come to deeply admire and respect the powers of Febreeze.

Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 2:29 p.m.

Entering a closed ice cream shop when you know you're not supposed to is one thing, having an ice cream cake heaved against the wall and narrowly missing your head is quite another.

Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 11:54 a.m.



Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 11:34 a.m.

Ah yes...lovely random christmas pictures. It's odd that I really didn't take that many considdering that one of my younger cousins was drunk and trying to smear mashed potatos on people, but, alas...I was too slow.

Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 10:54 a.m.

I can't quote the picture here, but it's my banner! So, just go look at the banner, and don't read the last of the stuff because it sucks ass and is about me feeling like sucked ass, and NOT in a good way. Get that smirk off of your face... I said DON'T read it... just look at my cool banner that's being posted 10 THOUSAND times... hehehe.

Thursday, Dec. 30, 2004 - 4:59 a.m.

When the young woman was in high school, Pete sported a Shane McGowan-inspired look, rumpled and dusty and lanky. Now, though, he looks like a combination between Ben Affleck’s character from “Good Will Hunting,” and The Fonz. He’s still hot, but brothuh’s gotta lose the hair grease and track pants.

Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004 - 11:25 p.m.

"I'm afraid I'm going to throw this all of one foot in front of me. It's going to leave my hand and drop right in front of my toes. Maybe I should just walk over and hand it to him. No, that would be worse than not throwing it at all. Fuck, why can't you pick up your own keys?"

Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004 - 4:17 p.m.

It will probably be the only film in the history of the universe that uses the phrase "tele-fart-kinesis" and involves explosions at a disc golf course.

Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004 - 4:16 p.m.

I thought it was rather sweet that he was trying to warm me up with the flames of his comedy. Athough it was akin to standing in front of a disposable lighter in my underwear, at least the intent was there.

Wednesday, Dec. 29, 2004 - 1:09 p.m.



Tuesday, Dec. 28, 2004 - 9:37 a.m.

The time is exactly twelve hours after my intended departure. From my window seat, right behind the wing, I can see the snowplows begrudgingly shoving the snow from the runway to an ever-growing drift. My heart goes out for the drivers of the plows, who want to be home as much as I do, but goddamn if this plane doesn’t take off as scheduled.

I’m ending the sentence there, because I’m too mush-brained to imagine what course of action I’d take, if.

Yeah, too tired to keep.

I’m.

Sentences.

Blah.

Tuesday, Dec. 28, 2004 - 1:14 a.m.


So who was the brilliant person that came up with the idea for camera phones? You know that they are only used by drunk ass people to take pictures of other drunk ass people. By the way, I'm the one on the right.

Monday, Dec. 27, 2004 - 10:03 a.m.

"You're sitting here watching football, and I'm going to the kitchen to make you food. I'm a football widow, and I'm a guy."

Monday, Dec. 27, 2004 - 1:02 p.m.

My mother said I sounded like a Filipina woman, which was pretty much exactly what I was going for. A grey-tempered Filipina (Korean?) woman, who wears cardigan sweaters, highwater pants and slippers with brown socks, makes jam out of her neighbors’ kumquats and has tremendous bedhead.

Monday, Dec. 27, 2004 - 12:07 p.m.

Especially the ice cream...(please take note.)
My birthday is coming soon, I prefer a root beer float.
(Well actually I don't, but nothing rhymes with note.)
(Except for maybe boat, gloat or a castle's moat.)

Monday, Dec. 27, 2004 - 1:32 a.m.

I made it in the door, I made it past the song, this was going to be just fine, enough to staunch that ache, enough to hold me for another year at least.

Sunday, Dec. 26, 2004 - 6:45 p.m.

Between carols, I kept myself awake by thinking intensely about two things: sex, and death.

Sunday, Dec. 26, 2004 - 2:19 a.m.

I drove up to Tacoma yesterday for Christmas with my family. My brother, in a bout of inspiration, asked that I drive. I don’t have a problem with driving, the problem is I own a mazda miata. It’s not the most useful car for a road trip involving presents, but we packed it to the roof with loot and headed north. The trunk was so filled with crap that when I leaned over and turned the key to open it, I was nearly knocked unconscious as the spring loaded trunk whacked me in the forehead.

Saturday, Dec. 25, 2004 - 8:18 p.m.

What does not rock is that all of ya'll are celebrating Christmas or other things of this nature and are not updating so I'm sitting here bored off my ass. Bastard non updaters.

Saturday, Dec. 25, 2004 - 1:27 p.m.

And he said “Let’s totally do that!” Like, totally, we’re so doing that tonight. Fer sure. Everyone born later than 1979 just collectively said “Huh?”

Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 5:35 p.m.

As I was leaning into the mirror to get a closer look at my brows he came running into the bathroom. He jumped up on his hind legs and proceded to whack my ass with alternate paws five or six times before screaming out a battle cry and running from the room. I stood there for a moment thinking that my ass was now covered with a bunch of tiny puncture wounds and feeling odd and a little violated.

Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 1:50 p.m.

"2004's Last 12% Beer Inductee"

Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 12:53 p.m.

There is only so much ridiculous, ass-shaking, overbite dancing while singing along to “Africa” that a man can endure before he just walks away, taking the shopping cart with him.

Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 10:06 a.m.

Personally, and maybe this is just me, I’d rather be finger-fucked by a transvestite with a coke nail than remain at work much longer.

Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 11:29 a.m.

Also, keep in mind that this is coming from a guy whose wife I nicknamed- The Hall Monitor, a long time ago.


Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 6:03 a.m.

Yes, Mary Hart is like a snowglobe. You pretend you like it Christmas morning. But you secretly really hate it...but can't stop looking at it. Then all you want to do is shake till it breaks.

Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004 - 1:49 a.m.

how the hell do I know. he's so stupid. he's a total rectum. I hate his stupid face! yearn this, jerk! MOM DON'T LAUGH!

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:35 p.m.

There were store bought goods in there that were made with sugar. SUGAR! A word I was raised to despise. I still get panic attacks when I buy Oreo’s.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:33 p.m.

I do like fruitcake, especially when it has lots of those really plastic-ey green cherries. Sugar and rum, what's not to like? Plus, it makes you poop, and anything that gets my creaky bowels a-rumbling is a cherished friend.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:32 p.m.

For no apparent reason I’ve been very chipper as of late. My guess is it’s a brain tumor or something, but regardless my point is that I’m not my usual cynical bitter self.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:29 p.m.

How weird is it that we’re all so soft and vulnerable, all the time, like this, just sitting ducks for some guy, an infinite number of random things could happen at any second and end up collapsing my head like a balloon, or mashing me all over the pavement, and I take it for granted that it won’t happen.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:26 p.m.

Thanks again (and thanks in advance) for all the nice things people have said and will say. I really, really do appreciate it.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:25 p.m.

I love to witness the high ratio of inappropriate gift choices. There's always some classy woman who receives a truck-stop t-shirt.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:22 p.m.

This guy smells like hockey equipment with a strong serving of fart.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 10:21 p.m.

I bought a new nail polish color this week called Glacier Bay Blues. I thought it would be all Christmassy festive but instead it looks like I slammed my fingers in the car door and got gangrene. We've having a punk rock Christmas around here anyway.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 6:14 p.m.

Cuddled.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 7:48 p.m.

I'm no good at small-talk to begin with, but with former classmates, there's an unspoken pressure to be amazed by the small world happenstance of running into so-and-so "after all these years!" And how we've both changed! And what are you up to, now? And how's your mother? And it's okay that we never had anything in common and that you thought I was weird and I thought you were boring, because my how we've grown! There must be something we can talk about ... um ...

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 6:06 p.m.

Nothing says "I enjoy working for you, and I would appreciate a raise" than an Albino Bowler Action Figure.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 5:36 p.m.

Like, how did I ever think I could legitimately be performing an activity as gayballs as "making a diorama while listening to Sebadoh" while drinking $3 champagne, without having that screw-topped alcohol slap me upside the head like a showbiz husband?

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 12:52 p.m.

And in retrospect, 32 didn't seem so bad considering the fact that I thought I was turning 34. It's all in the way you look at it, kittens.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 11:29 a.m.

So, my brother and I were discussing how, exactly, we intend to get famous. And here is my thought (relayed to him over IM): “maybe, when we go to NYC in feb, we can just throw ourselves on the steps of the MTV studios wearing nothing but jockstraps”.

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 2004 - 1:23 p.m.

There are many things that can be overlooked on a hectic night, but a junior high male on a couch with a Pert Plus bottle sticking out of his ass is not one of them.

Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2004 - 11:53 p.m.

So yes, there I was, a clomping, bed-headed 50-something woman wearing a shapeless stretched out turquoise tee shirt which, in a pinch, could be used as a tent for a family of four. Who says long marriages have to lack romance? Huh? HUH?

Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2004 - 5:20 p.m.

"Dougie," he said, "that twat is an enemy of the part of myself that daydreams. Now that bitch is alone and wondering."

Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2004 - 6:24 a.m.

Yep, if I had only followed my usual tendency to procrastinate, I could have saved myself the agonies of writing something from the heart and instead been able to pick up a tidy, pre-packaged Hunk o' Sentiment a.k.a. a sympathy card from the greeting card racks.

Monday, Dec. 20, 2004 - 4:21 p.m.

I for one am very much against the kneeling thing. I’m against unfair trickery of any kind. Play football, you pansies.

Monday, Dec. 20, 2004 - 11:32 a.m.

Pray for the Ravens, please. Johnny U: We Will Never Forget.

Sunday, Dec. 19, 2004 - 10:14 a.m.

I promise you - you archaic pile of wrinkles and sinew - that if you increase your velocity to anything above fifteen miles per hour, and your hip still inexplicably shatters from the unheard of forces of gravity placed upon you, that I will personally stick a knife in my scrotum.

Sunday, Dec. 19, 2004 - 3:15 a.m.

Like, while opening presents everyone must sport a Santa hat with each person's name written on the front. In glitter.

Friday, Dec. 17, 2004 - 3:04 p.m.

I like being teacher's pet! I never have been before. Just wait 'til she sees that all I ate yesterday was a nachos supreme, though. Uh oh.

Friday, Dec. 17, 2004 - 10:42 a.m.

i guess the holidays put me in a nostalgic mood where i want to tell family anecdotes and sit around a blazing fire with a mug of hot beverage. only, in my case, the 'fire' is hopefully made of burning photos and the mug is full of whiskey, because my family, she is fucked up.

Thursday, Dec. 16, 2004 - 3:51 p.m.

A traditional ham sandwich conspires with ridged potato chips.

Thursday, Dec. 16, 2004 - 12:32 p.m.

Aerodynamically HARDCORE

Wednesday, Dec. 15, 2004 - 4:35 p.m.

It's probably a good idea that I didn't go with my next idea, which was that he should say "Well, if you don't want me to give you oral sex, you could give me some?" Sometimes I suspect that I'm just a guy with a great rack.

Wednesday, Dec. 15, 2004 - 1:46 p.m.

You'll crap your monkey-naming pants.

Wednesday, Dec. 15, 2004 - 10:59 a.m.

In the mornings I would hang out with my friends in homeroom talking Rock The Casbah and comic books then off I would go to sit in a room full of drooling fuckin' speds.

Wednesday, Dec. 15, 2004 - 6:53 a.m.

A flaming eyeball. Candy canes. A martian. Cat toys. A Nightmare before Christmas figurines. A squid. And, of course, the ubiquitous traffic cone topping the whole thing off.

Tuesday, Dec. 14, 2004 - 10:48 p.m.

In the 1970s my mom had a monkey.

Tuesday, Dec. 14, 2004 - 3:49 p.m.

I imagine Bono to be either some creature of purest divinity or a modern day Faustian character, struggling to keep his deal with the Prince of Lies from falling through.

Monday, Dec. 13, 2004 - 7:16 p.m.

I suspect some of the women in line at Bath and Body Works have been there since last Christmas, their husband still waiting in the food court, awkwardly attending to their children.

Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004 - 10:49 a.m.

I'm 5'6" on a good day. As guys go, that's not terribly tall. People my height can agree with me when I say that a short person has no natural enemies, but a large list of banes. At the top of this list is the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard. That shelf is the Goddamn bane of our existence.

Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004 - 1:09 a.m.

Written 12/03/04... "My mom thinks that Ginger knew it was her time, and like animals in the wild do, she was leaving her home to go “into the woods” and die."

Friday, Dec. 10, 2004 - 10:47 p.m.

Why do you ever call your exes? It sure as shit isn't to hear about the new molding in their living room!

Friday, Dec. 10, 2004 - 7:22 p.m.

I am very much like a broken record, perhaps warped and if you look at it spinning too long, you’ll get sort of seasick feeling and then have to sit on the couch nibbling on Saltines and breathing through your mouth.

Friday, Dec. 10, 2004 - 2:49 p.m.

At any rate, I don't think I've ever been in a book before. Not to my knowledge, anyway. Perhaps I should set up an agent to handle any future books I may become a part of. Or maybe just a robot programmed to say, "I require succulent royalty checks for further proceedings."

Friday, Dec. 10, 2004 - 11:20 a.m.

The boy's home was run by a Christian couple who were very pleasant people, when they weren't trying to shove their Jesus fantasy down our throats.

Friday, Dec. 10, 2004 - 2:16 a.m.

I came back to the parents house to spend my days toiling away here. The difference? They’ll feed me.


Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 - 9:01 p.m.

So I got the wee crate of clementines, a bunch of red pears (the best pear in all of peardom), more oranges, and a pomegranate that I swear is as big as my head. I’m going to have to wear a hazmat suit when I cut into that thing because it’s going to be a bloodbath, I can tell.

Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 - 1:01 p.m.

Either we're dating or I'm banging someone else; take it or leave it.

Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 - 11:14 a.m.

There is nothing wrong with savouring a small piece of fruitcake. But we all know that that one small piece of fruitcake is a gateway experience. Left on my own, how long would it be before I found myself awakening from a diabetic coma in a room I didn't recognize, a room strewn with torn, empty fruitcake boxes?

Thursday, Dec. 09, 2004 - 11:59 a.m.

I don't really know what my point is other some gay-assed shit about every cat being special or some such fuck.

Wednesday, Dec. 08, 2004 - 3:52 p.m.

A summer day goes on forever when you're a kid. A grasshopper's life span seems reasonable by that measure. I believe my brother and I budgeted those days well.

Wednesday, Dec. 08, 2004 - 5:00 a.m.

We both expected the one-armed man to go over to the bird, touch stumps, and sort of morph into each other.

Tuesday, Dec. 07, 2004 - 5:23 p.m.

I sat down at my computer and then spent the rest of the day messing around with address labels for the Holiday Card exchange. I am a complete tool. Paper? Frankenstein? Who what now?

Tuesday, Dec. 07, 2004 - 11:34 a.m.

Texas basically just needs a little book of etiquette - nothing fancy, just make sure it has a section that informs the uncle-touching weirdos here that family reunions are not a viable place to meet your future significant other.

Monday, Dec. 06, 2004 - 1:09 p.m.

You'll travel across the universe, all the while increasing your power gem supply, and see the decimated civilizations your foul trek has brought about. I certainly hope you can look back on your high score and think it was worth something when you set your laptop on a pile of baby corpses three men high.

Monday, Dec. 06, 2004 - 1:07 p.m.

He then picks her fat ass up over some cosmic banister, that makes no architectural sense, and proceeds to throw the fowl woman into a bottomless abyss, where she explodes into an expensive mass of industrial light and magic.

Monday, Dec. 06, 2004 - 3:22 a.m.

This would be the part where we all join hands, start swaying and sing Kumbaya. Really. I mean it. Oh, and right after I get done writing this? I'm off to solve the Israel-Palestine problem.

Sunday, Dec. 05, 2004 - 2:22 p.m.

“Oh Santa, where is my mom and dad and sexy deer girlfriend?” “I don’t know, Rudolph, but quite frankly, but what about MY needs? Me, me, me!”

Friday, Dec. 03, 2004 - 8:56 a.m.

It was like they were both pretending to be the stars of those buddy/cop movies or Jerry Bruckheimer films. It was a corny macho lingo that my brother sometimes speaks to this day, cockese.

Friday, Dec. 03, 2004 - 5:20 a.m.

I tend to use the internet for its intended purpose, which would be telling stories about my cats.

Thursday, Dec. 02, 2004 - 10:32 p.m.

"I love you, and I didn't know you did, and oh shit, what are we going to do NOW...wait, are you SERIOUS, or are you just saying that because you might be still drunk?"

Thursday, Dec. 02, 2004 - 2:36 p.m.

I did many ignominious things in the name of theatre, including a crappy run of Waiting for Godot and children's theatre for approximately no kids. Oh, and I dressed as a rabbit. And wore a sequined, Bedazzled sweatsuit. Another time I was cast in a fantasy show as a sort of lizard servant. I could go on.

Wednesday, Dec. 01, 2004 - 6:08 p.m.

And because of her, I have never been able to look at Christmas the same way since.

Wednesday, Dec. 01, 2004 - 4:17 p.m.

The Tool Cool for the Rock Show thing? Really? You’re still keeping that posture up after your 23rd birthday? Umm, okay.

Wednesday, Dec. 01, 2004 - 9:37 a.m.

And